Ex Nihilo » Uncertainty

The Kill

Kim — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:36:56 +0000

What if I wanted to break?
That is the first line in a song that I have recently become addicted to. The song is called “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars”.
Now, you are probably wondering what kind of significance this has. Well, alot actually. That line got me thinking in odd ways, and I was thinking about my history as well. Doug has taught me a lot, mom has taught me a lot… Everyone in my life has been trying to teach me how to cope, but I reject it.
Why?
This is were the line of the song comes in. What if I don’t want to learn? What if I want to break, just to see what would happen? Would that make me crazy? Would it mean that I would have to be hospitalized for the rest of my life?
I hope not.
Maybe that’s how it is, though. It may sound messed up on all accounts, but I am a messed up person. I want to have these kind of horrible experiences. I wonder awful things like,
“What is it like to be raped? I kind of want to find out.”
“What is it like to die? It sounds interesting.”
“What is it like to be in surgery? I want to know.”
“What is it like…”
These sound like the words of a future serial killer, to be perfectly honest. I know that I would never let myself do that, but I sound like a potential one. I sound bloodthirsty, insane. I feel like some kind of sick and twisted animal when I think like this, but I guess it’s either part of who I am, or something that’s been induced by something or someone.
I watch these shows where people are mangled from head to toe, in emergency surgeries, in the operating room, emergency room… I watch shows where psychotic murderers are caught and put to trial, smiles on their faces and regret nowhere to be seen. I watch things where people are killed for no reason, and all I can think is “I want to know.”
Does this make me some kind of sick, twisted whore for blood?

Something

Kim — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:49:01 +0000

Millie is dead.

I have a feeling I’m going to have to wait for a long time before I even come to realize exactly what that means.

Darkest of the Scrap Metal in my Head, Probably

Kim — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:26:56 +0000

Something’s seriously wrong, but I don’t knnow what it is. I feel like I’m about ready to come apart at the seams. Not sure why, not even close, but I do have the feeling. That weird scratchy feeling that runs up and down my legs, and sometimes across my wrists and forearm. Still not sure, but since everyone wants to try and figure it out, I suppose I might as well led you a hand with what little I know about what goes on in my own head.

First of all, while this is fairly irrelvant, or so you may think, every summer, i fall to pieces. You know this, I know this, I’m pretty sure we all know this. I had a nervous breakdown loast year, slit up my wrists the y ear before… I kinda wonder what stupid stunt I’m going to pull this time. Maybe I’ll run away from home for a couple of nights. Probably not, but hey, its out there. It’s an option that will get me in trouble, like I seem to want so badly.

Now, yes, I know that was kind of beside the point, but its something to think about. What was the same those last two years, and what’s the same this year? I don’t know myself, because my memory of my past is actually fairly poor, so you’ll have to talk amongst yourselves to figure out if that’s the case.

Lets see… what else is there that I can see in this abyss of my mind? I see an anxiety, oh yes, a bad one. A terrified little girl crying as she is curled up in a ball, praying to whoever will listen that something can be done to fix her messed up life, make everything the way its supposed to be, and maybe even save her family from separation. That’s all I want right now; I don’t care about the job, I don’t care about the money. I just want to be friends with everyone in my family, and not just Gina and Mama. YOu boys in this house might think that I hate the lot of you, which I don’t, but you’re not really trying to make yourselves a little different so that you won’t irritate me so easily. You should know by now why I snap at you all the tiome, so why can’t you fix yourselves and try to be more cautious around me, instead of being the ignorant fools that I loathe.

That, in more basic words, is me saying ‘lets fix this together, and become a family again, okay?’ And while I know the chances of you listening to what I have to say are slim, I still have to hope. After all, if I don’t, who will?

What else is there that has my head in a bundle of scrap metal? Well, I’m not quite sure, honestly. It’s gotten pretty dark in here. Its kind of lonely.

I don’t know if this is a burn-out, or if its something that’s serious. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out. I’ve done my bit in trying to figure out what I can. At this point, my brain seems to be shutting itself down. Until next time….

~Kimmie, sort of.

Ambiguity

Kim — Wed, 27 May 2009 00:56:01 +0000

I’ve got it here, right in my hand, but I don’t know what to do with it. Its just going to sit there and pulsate in my palm until I decide what I’m going to do to either get rid of it, or what I’m going to do to cultivate it. I probably need to learn a bit more about it first, but I want to get rid of it quickly. Its already succeeded to persuading me to do something that I didn’t especially want to do, and it’s making it difficult to sleep. I think about it so much that I’m stressing myself out and can’t sleep much at night anymore.
So, its still sitting in my hand, and its still pulsating in time with my heartbeat. But I don’t know what to do with it. Do i want to kick it as hard as I can and deny its existence like Ug would? Or do I want to keep it and examine it further, like I should? Or should I put it in my pocket and forget about it until the next time my hands get cold?
What am I going to do with this?