A Place of Forgotten Voices

Most Girls

I have a relatively strong will. I know this for a fact. I can’t be manipulated into doing things, unless I get something I want out of it. I can be goaded into fighting you, screaming at you, or else throwing things around the room, but I CAN’T be goaded into giving you my things, unless I’m gonna get something out of it. Something I WANT. And I will refuse you several times until I get what I want, or will accept the deal. If I just don’t give in, then you’re screwed. Also, if you want me to give you something in exchange for something else, I’ll have you give me what I want FIRST. I won’t be tricked into giving someone what they want and have them NOT give me what I want. For, if they do, I hurt them, whether mentally or psychically. But usually psychically. Either way, if I don’t like what I’m getting, or whatever, I am a person who can’t be goaded or manipulated into anything except tantrums. But that’s usually because I realize a person is goading or manipulating me, and then I get pissed off.

My little brother, Ricky, is not the same. Not at all. Infact, he has manipulated on several occasions, for serveral different reson. He’s been tricked into going down by the river when he KNOWS he’s not allowed, he’s been fooled into repairing relationships with his so called ‘friends’ whom always get him in trouble, and beat the tar out of him the day before. Yeah, that really happens. Johnathan and Jean, our b*****d neighbors whom i hate above everything else in the world because they WON’T go away, beat the stuffing out of him on the bus or something. Mama specifically told him that his NOT to hang out with them anymore, and that they’re NOT allowed on our property. ANYWHERE. A couple days later, Ricky comes home to inform Mama that the whole ‘beat-him-up’thing was just a joke or something that John and Jean played on him.

Did I mention that he came home CRYING that day?! What the hefk is the MATTER with fricken’ kid!?? Doesn’t hehave ANY kind of JUDGEMENT?! Long ago, when I was in Mrs. Filor’s class(It’s sickening that I can still remember how to spell her name) I decided that if someone breaks my trust, hurts my feeling, or just hurts me altogether twice, then I will never forgive them. I forgave Mrs. Filor several times, and she ALWAYS hurt me in the end. She ended up mentally SCARRING me, and making me believe I was a monster. So, I hate her. Notice the lack of d on the hate part. Yeah, I still hate her. Even though she’s in Florida. The last time I saw, she had had surgery on her nose, cuz her cartilage or something was bent. (Not that is MATTERS. Your fourty, Pam. No one cares how you look.) It looked painful.

I wanted to punch her right in the nose. It was hard not to. If I had been about fifteen, I would’ve.

Anyway, if someone hurts me twice, I will never forgive them, ever. My family is an exception. I have to forgive them. I live with them.  Not Ricky, he’d still be fried with johnathan and Jean if they jumped him on the street and mugged him.

Well, let’s continue. I am not a shy or sensitive person. I am not very good at understanding people. Infact, I’m horrible at it. Also, since I’m shy, If I have crush on someone or whatever, I can talk to them freely. I have no problem. I don’t freak out and hide if I see them. I don’t stutter, or blush, or anything like that. I’ll wave, say hi, chat. Whatever. And I’ll do it EASILY.It’s the same with people I don’t like. I can talk to them easily aswell. Sure, I give them the Evil Glare, or I snap at them, but I do that unconciously. Meaning I don’t realize it. It’s kinda strange. I can’t tell someone I’m angry with them or anything, but I can express very well. Glare, snap, snarl glare, growl, hiss, spit, half-yell. Of course, somehow, no one seems to realize that when I glare and snarl at them, I either don’t like them, or am angry at them. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about sensitivity and shyness.

Now, Gina is both of these things, and they get in the way our relationship. Sadly. I’ll give her advice, and she’ll tell me to “Stop giving me advice, cause getting advice from someone five younger then you makes me feel stupid!” I then ask her, “Why does it make you feel stupid?” And she’ll tell me it’s because I’m five years younger than her. Then I think in my head, ‘Why the heck does my AGE matter? And then I remember that she’s sensitive and insecure. Now, I’m not ranting on her, I’m not throwing a fit, I’m not even cutting her down, but I wonder WHY she’s so insecure and sensitive? I’m NOT sensitive.  You’d think that advice from someone who thinks alot simpler than you would be nice. It’s easier to think positively when you’re insensitive.  Then again, I’m insensitive, so I think much simpler than the average person. I am probably the most abnormal person in this household. Gina thinks she’s abnormal. I tell her she’s not. She doesn’t agree. Last night, she said that I’m probably smarter than her. I disagree. She tells me I am, I respond, “Gina, I am NOT smarter than you.” While thinking ‘what the heck give her THAT idea? I’m failing almost ever class and she says ‘your smart’? What the eff?! I have a HARD time in EVERY class! If I was SMART, I’d ask for help from someone when I needed it, I’d be smart enough to stop, think, and ask myself  ‘Is it REALLY worth it?’ Gina does ALL of these things. She’s very normal. She cares about she looks, her hair is improtant, she’s shy, she’s sensitive, and a bit insecure and pessimistic.She has a REPUTATION to keep up.

I have none of these traits. I’m a complete LOSER. Not her. I call her a loser, an idiot, baka, stupid, sure. But that’s because I’m too much of an idiot to realize that it hurts her alot. I call her those names probably because I get upset with her so easily, which is probably because she’s way better than me. She’s sensitive, so I don’t understand her. I’m a total jerk, and I hate myself. I know tat about myself for a fact. That’s who I am.

Gina, you’re going to graduate, and I know you hate me and all, and I know you’ll probably never want to see me again. I also know you think I think you’re a useless idiot or something. I can tell you for a fact that that’s NOT true. I treat everyone like that. If I hated you, I wouldn’t cry when you said you hated me. And I would probably be more a jerk to you, like I am to Mrs. DeLucia. (:D)  And I know you’re probably NOT going to believe me on this, but I am I going to fricken’ miss you when you leave. I will go insomniac for a week, cry every(or try to at least) night, become depressed, get pessimistic, E-mail you everyday, somehow make sure you check my blog, because I suck at writing letters. And I’m gonna cry some more. And every time you come home, I might jump you. But I’ll try to hold back.

And if you die, I swear I’ll commit suicide. :’(

I’m going off on a tangent here.

Anywho, This is proof that I am not human. Cool, I’m an alien. That’s sooooo cool. Heavy. Do normal humans have so much trouble crying? I cry easier when the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants than I do when something really bad happens. =.=I’MA FREAK!!!

Oh well, that pretty cool. By the way, Akari, are you going to have a car soon? I would love to be taken away by you! Then we could go through the Gate and recruit anime characters! That’d be fun.

“So, are we walking?”

“I brought the car.”

“Good! Can I drive?!”

“No.”

LOL it’s too hot

Yeah, that’s no REALLY why I posted though. I just needed to get rid of that last post. It’s was…old. Anyways, yeah, nothings really been happening the past few days. Except for the fact that’s WAY TOO FREAKIN’ HOT!!!!

I’m gonna DIE! It’s way too outside and inside! My room is on the side of where the afternoon is. The HOTTEST sun of the day. I love it. (lol, NOT.) Anyways, I’m not doing anything. I’m bored. And listening to music…. I need a LIFE! And a JOB! And a few other things, namely a tablet, which I’m to stupid to save up for. (LOSER!) STFU! Anyways, Akari says that’s she’s going to steal me. When she gets a car.I’m having a little hiatus trip from quizilla. It’ll probably end today though.

MY ARMPITS ARE DRIPPING WITH SWEAT. (<Not an expression)

EW!!!!!!

Oh yeah, DEREK FOUND MY BOOKS O’ QUOTES! I’m so happy I could cry! Almost litterally!

Anyways, I have blog updates I want to make. Seriously. No jokes here.

Continue reading LOL it’s too hot…

Once Upon a Time There Was a Girl Named Kimmie

Once upon a time, Kimmie was still in school. She’s almost just started Summer Vacation! Anyway, the school year before last, (fifth or fourth grade, I supposed) sucked. Her teacher, Pam Filor, and her classroom aids, Mrs. Barger, Mrs. Groat, and Mrs.Matthews, all did a very good job ruining her life. She made her feel insecure about herself, and she quickly started to hate herself. Her mom has been trying to help her out for a long time now. But Kimmie is a pathetic lame ass loser, and she won’t do anything to try herself. Why, you may ask? Because, as I said, she’s a lame ass loser, and she’s a pathetic wimp who lost all hope before she even went up to bat again after the first strike out.

In other words, because she’s stupid.

Anyway,  Kimmie went through fourth grade and passed somehow, even with her crappy attitude.

And so, we continue our story.

Kimmie recently entered seventh grade. There, in the middle of the school year somewhere, she met a boy named John, who is also in her class. Kimmie feel in love with John, but didn’t dare to say so. So she spent the school being ‘just friends’ with him. Sometime in May, John moved down to georgia.

For good.

And now Kimmie will never, ever, ever, ever see him again, because she’s too much of a retard dumbass who can’t even say, ‘I hope you’ll come back next year,’ let alone, ‘I’ll miss you.’ And thus, Kimmie sank into depression.

End of the school year! troubles should be over, right? NOPE! Not for our brave, young, stupid, heroette. Not at all, instead she found something ELSE to worry about. First, it was her repor card, but she already got that, so it’s taken care of. (NOT) No, you see, Kimmie got a 60 or something like that in Gym, and if she remembers correctly, the grade has to be a 65 or higher to pass.

Well, too bad for this moron who’s too pathetic to even (pardon my French) ATTEND FUCKING GYM CLASS!

Is that it? nope, not quite yet, but we’re getting there. Anywho, Kimmie is also worrying about her older sister, Gina, moving away to college. She worried about her sisters saftey and life. Why? Shootings, rape, assault, etc. etc.

After all we all know Kimmie’ a paranoid little loser. So yeah, Gina’s already graduated and NOW, she’s freaking out even more(ow, damnit…). Annoying!

Today, earlier this afternoon actually, Kimmie went off to visit her best friend, Pinnie, Pine, and she even met a new friend, named Tee.

They’re all pine trees, and they’re the only ones Kimmie can trust and rely on with her life. Litterally. I She almost fell out like…twelve million times.

Yeah, going off on a tangent. Anyway, Kimmie made it all the way over to Pinnie,  proceeded to shred her hands and arms to ribbons in the process, got comfy, and read for about an hour and a half. Maybe two hours. I She wasn’t counting. After she decided she should head home, because she didn’t want to miss dinner, and didn’t even know what time it was. When she got their, Anyways, before that happen, 

Kimmie felt guilty and really upset, because she felt it was her fault that Pinnie, Pine, and Tee ended up the way they did. Afterall, if I hadn’t climbed up there in the first place, they probably wouldn’t have had their lower branches chopped off. I could litterally FEEL the hurt emanting off them. But  In order to make up for her retarded mistake, Kimmie decided she would climb up them, and give them company for as long as she could and trim their branches a bit. AKA, break off the dead crap. This didn’t make hr fell very much better.

So, after her two or so hours went by, Kimmie went back home, promising to visit Pinnie and the others again tomorrow.

She got home and showed her father the couple of cuts she’d gotten from climbing Pinnie. She still felt angry and upset with herself though. So what did she do?

I went into the kitchen and stole a knife. I tried to cut my arm open with it, but it did work, so I tried a steak knife instead. No such luck. So by now I had a whole crapload of red marks all over my arm from failed attempts to cut my arm. Why the hell was it so HARD anyway? I mean seriously,  IT’S A FREAKIN’ STEAK KNIFE! It’s MADE to cut meat! And yet, somehow, itcan cut my thin flesh?

That’s fricken’ ridiculous. Can’t a girl cut herself? Sheesh.

Anyway, so I finally decided upon the bread cutting knife. That did the job nicely. I officially have a two inch long cut on my wrist! WOOT! It’s not bleeding(anymore) but it still felt very nice. And it still does. I enjoyed that. Correction; I NEEDED that. Yay! W\e. -.- Anyways, so my left arm looks ALOT worse that it actually is cause of all the failed attempts….

Wait a minute, I should probably tell you this first:  The cut that bleed a bit that I made with the bread knife…yeah, I DIDN’T cut myself very deep. It’s actually very shallow. (too bad….*pokes it* ow.) So I’m not like…commiting suicide. I’m just being and emo bitch like I’ve always been and cutting myself a bit.

Next thing you know I’ll be in a mental asylum for crazy, dangerous kids who cut themselves if they can get their hands on sharp stuff.

That also know as a hospital…(no, they’re called Insane Asylums) Oh oh yeah. hehe…I knew that.
Don’t worry about the cutting bit. Sure I did it,  but it doesn’t really hurt. It tingles. It’s kind horny-inducing…(WTF AM I SAYING!? RAH!)

Lol, It’s official I’m a pyscho. I suppose all those ‘psychiatrists’ and ‘mental health doctors’ or whatever back at Sidney were right all along. Maybe I DO need a day treatment thingamajiggy.

Haha yeah right. If they kept me with them for a die they’d all die from the things I talk about. Lol.

Something like this;

“So, tell us about yourself.”

“I’m crazy in a good way, not pyscho, and very funny if your not a loser with no humor, which you probably are. Also, I’m a possibly gifted Introvert with ADHD and Preteen Emo Syndrome. *cue to grin* Also, I don’t like it here. Your walls are too white. This must be your way to ensure that if someone’s insane, they won’t be getting over it and leaving any time soon. The walls sure be kinder colors. Sure, white singles niceness, or whatever the eff, but it also makes you think of a freakin’ ICE COLD WINTER.

Very inviting, if you ask me. *cue to sarcasm*”

“I see. Is there anything else?”

“Give me some chocolate………………*reluctant* please. Oh, and were’s Doug? I wanna talk to him. And Gina and Daddy and Mama and Derek too. Could you lend me a couple cages and a butterfly net? Oh, and some tranquilizer guns. *huge smile*”

“…”

“I guess that’s a no. Anyway, why don’t you go away and let be pyschotic in peace. That way, while your gone, I can find a sharp object, hurt myself, and then laugh in an obvious attempt to scare the hell out of you. Because I take such pleasure in messing with people’s heads. (big stupid, pyscho grin*”

“*disturbed*”

It’d be soooooooo*gasp* ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funnny if that really happened. I’d laugh.

Wrist:Tingle tingle tingle tingle

Me:Stop tingling, dom you!*pokes it…harshly*  DANGIT OWWWW!!!

Wrist:Ah loff at cho’ payne!

Me:-.-* WhatEVER!

Okay, I’m DONE now. Is Mama even HOME yet?! UGH!

Of Graduation, Depression, Report Cards, and Death

Lets start things off with the basics. I’m stressing about the following; 1)Gina, my wonderful, beloved sister, Gina, my precious person, if GRADUATING. I don’t want her to ever leave. I know that’s selfish, and I know that she’s not leaving immediately. But, graduation is like a confirmation. It’s, to me, like someone shouting in my face, “SHE’S LEAVING AND NEVER COMING! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN! BAD THINGS’LL HAPPEN TO HER! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!” Yeah, that’s irrational, I know that very muchly well. Automatic Negative Thoughts. ANTs. Like I said, I know it’s irrational, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I’ll never see her again. I keep thinking she’ll be hurt, or killed or something. And then I immediately start wondering about what’ll happen if I die. I wonder how much people would care, I wonder who would come to my funeral… And I wonder were I would go. Earlier today, while I still lolling in bed, I considering finding out what would happen if I DID die. I almost did, too…

But, that doesn’t matter too much! Back to the point. No running off on tangents, Kimmie. ^.^ Anyway, Things depressing me. 2) School = Report Cards = Pass? Fail? Yes, I’ve gotten through the seventh grade school year, but I’m absolutely POSITIVE I failed math. I probably shouldn’t be worrying about it, yeah, but I feel terrible, and I really am sure I’m going to fail. I don’t WANT to fail, but I’m positive that I will! I started taking a new medication, called Zolof, or something like that. It’s supposedly an anti depressant that take for fricken’ EVER to actually start WORKING. It’s supposed to stop constant pessimism and cheer me up a bit or something.
It’s NOT working. In fact, since I started taking it, I’ve been sleeping less, and actually having more, much, much WORSE negative thoughts than I was ORIGINALLY having.

That’s RIDICULOUS.

Anyway, I’ve almost couldn’t get to sleep last night just thinking about my math grade alone. Why the heck am I so FRICKIN’ MENTAL?! JESUS EFF-ING CHRIST!!!!

Heavy sigh. Anyway, Report Cards, Gina’s graduation. Also, the whole death thing is starting to scare ME. Everytime I think ‘What’ll happen when I die?’ , I instantly get scared, and start imagining really scary things that might happen. Then I predict that I’m going to probably end up with some sort of really terrible disease that’s going slowly and painfully kill me. Or that I’ll undergo surgery or something. And I can’t get these thoughts out of my head! They WILL NOT go the fudger AWAY. And I assure you, I DON’T want them there! I don’t like losing sleep, I don’t like worrying about death, or school, or even Gina’s graduation! I wish I was just a NORMAL 12 year old little yaoi fan girl like all the rest of them! It’s NOT fair! I HATE MY LIFE! Why the heck do I have such a fricked up life anyway?!?

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Why is it that there can’t be someone who could just preform a spell or do something like a miracle to please just help me out a bit?

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Just Smile,

Even if your dying,

Even when your crying

Even when you scared

Even when your hurting inside

Even when your filled with so much sorrow and hate.

Just Smile Instead.

Smile…

It hides everything.

~*~*~*~Nyash~

(c) DemonKimmie, formerly known as KimBabe