Innocence with Bloody Hands

Dear Life, The Universe, and Everything else I hate

Dear Mrs. Filor,

I am writing to you today to tell you what I deem of you, why I think of you, and what you have done to me and my existence. You will not like anything that I am about to tell you. In fact, you may hate it, and think that I am lying. I am not writing to you so that you can howl at me and inform me that I am wrong. I am writing to you to tell you how much you have damaged me, so that you know just what you’re sick diminutive mentality games can do to an naive child. This might not be your fault; you might not have even known what you were doing to me. Then again, this might also be your fault. You might have known what you were doing all along. This might also have been in your training, and it just wasn’t working how it’s usually supposed to. I don’t know, and I don’t care. All that matter to me is that you have hurt me, and that I am meticulously livid with you for it.

First thing I want to tell you; you have me convinced that I am a monster. No, not a puss spewing organ pile, a monster. Someone filled with abhorrence, and resentment, someone who picks on other people, someone who is malicious, and malevolent. That is what you have me thoroughly convinced that I am.

Next up on my list; you have taken away all of my motivation to actually try. It’s slowly coming back to me, but you initially took it away. I have decided since I met you, and since I left your class, that if I try to change myself or the way I act, I will devastate everything, because in your class, that was what I always did. You sick minded people told me that I had to ‘try really hard to change.’ Well you know what? I did. And I will tell you for one that it did not work the way I wanted it to. In fact, it practically ruined my entity. But it’s because you told me that change was simple that convinced me that I couldn’t do it. For your information, changing isn’t easy. In fact, it’ll be one of the hardest things that I will ever do. You told me I could do it if I just tried. I tried and I couldn’t. That convinced me that there was something wrong with me, that I was some kind of freak, weirdo, a monster. It’s all because of you.

I find it hard to believe that you actually managed to become a teacher. If you’ve been hurting kids like me for however long you’ve been teaching, than I wonder how you haven’t been thrown in jail for Child Trauma. That’s right. You heard me, Child Trauma. You traumatized me, for life. And because of that, I think I’m a monster, I’ll never be happy again, I’m in therapy, I hate myself, I cut myself, I hurt all the time, and I =’m afraid of myself. I’m terrified of myself. I am afraid that one day, I’m going to do something, and Ill never be forgiven, and no one will be able to understand me. You have made my life more complex than it really even needs to be. I am completely disgusted with you.

Every time I get in trouble, every time someone hurts me in that certain way, I see you’re godforsaken disgusting face. I think that you will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

There are only a couple few more things I want to say, so prepare for this greatly

I. Hate. You. More than anything in the entire world. You are the more loathsome creature I have ever met, and I hate you. I hate how you affect me, I hate how you used to touch me in any way, how you’d pat me on the back, how you make me huddle with your dim-witted group, how you never cared when you made me cry, how it didn’t matter to you that you were slowly

Contravening.

My.

Heart.

It’s like you have this hold on my mind, it’s like you own me, like you think that I’m your property and you can just do whatever the hell you want with me. It’s like you think you own my

Mind

Body

And essence.

Well, lemme tell you something

You don’t. Not any more, you vile creature. I loathe you more than you could possibly even begin to dislike me. I know you hate me. You hated me because I’m better than you, more liked than you, more brilliant than you.

And most certainly more human than you.

I wish I had never met you. You’ve ruined everything about me, my happiness, my caring soul, my heart, my ability to think, my everything. You’ve ruined my life.

And I hate you for it.

I hate, dislike, abhorrent, loathe, detest, abhor, despise, deride, abominate, repulse, repugnant, object, and odium you so damn much.

It has been a pleasure speaking with you again, Mrs. Filor. I will see you in Hell.

Murders and betrayals,

Kimberly R. Baker

You’re former student from Sidney Center Elementary School.

Dear Life, The Universe, and Everything

Dear life, the universe, and everything,

Life has hit an all time low for me. I’m not sure why, but I feel worse than shit. I hate myself, and feel like cutting really bad. I don’t know if I should or not. I really don’t know. I kind of wonder if the reason I’m so depressed is because I haven’t been cutting. That would suck if it was it. Because then I’d be like… Addicted to cutting, for real… At least cutting isn’t a physical addiction…

I still want to know why I hate myself so much tonight. It really is bothering me… Kinda scary. I sometimes wonder who I really am. It bothers me occasionally… not knowing who I really am. or who I should be, what I’m supposed to do. I really need a purpose to keep living. For some reason, because people love me isn’t quite enough. I’m tired of doing what people want me to do. For once in my life, I’d like to just do what Kimmie wants to do, and not what everyone else wants to do.

I still feel like cutting….

I haven’t spoken to Alice Heintel in a long while too… Maybe that’s why I’m so depressed. It could also just be because I’m tired. I was just in Kmart for three hours. Surrounded by people. I’m an introvert. I can’t take that for that long. I usually get depressed when I’m tired…

That can’t be it though, because I’ve been depressed for a long while now. It isn’t just today. This has been going on for weeks now. I’m starting to worry about myself. What if I really just can’t control the urge,. And just cut again, just because the ache is too strong? I kinda wonder why pain gives me such a high. When I cut myself, I just feel happy, proud, like it means something important to have control over one thing in my life.

Control over one thing.. That’s probably it. I haven’t been controlling my life since the beginning of this school year. I’ve just been following orders. Mama has been running things for me. No, I can’t say that ‘because that’s not it.

I’ve never felt in control of anything. But cutting gives me this kind of release.. this really good feeling. A high… It’s just a really arousing feeling when I’m in pain, you know? It’s like I suddenly become aware and awake. And, If I spend too much time without that pain, I slowly slink back into this fog, and cant really get a grip on what’s going on around me, and what’s happening.

So basically, without pain, I lose touch with the rest of the world. And that makes me feel depressed… It gives me the feeling that I’m not really there when I’m in that fog. I’m usually unaware of what I’m doing, and thinking, and saying… I can’t remember what’s going on one second to the next, and things just don’t flow. It’s like a skipping CD. Unless cleaned, it doesn’t work properly. I don’t know any good metaphors for that. I really don’t. And I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m tired, and depressed, and I want to cut. I’m worried, and I don’t want to make mom upset, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to cut, to hurt, to come back to this world, and stay there. At least for a while.

Why does pain feel so good to me? Doesn’t that qualify me as a masochist?

I just did it….

Sorry Mama. :c

Depressing Nyash,

Kimmie~

Chant Thyself to Sleep, Thou Shalt Not Return

When, I’ kinda f**ked up, aren’t I? Hat’s just judging from the last post. Mama has officially put me on m,onitoring. I have no privacy, officially. It kinda suuucks. I KNEW I shouldn’t have wore a miniskirt the other day! D: Yeah, I cut up my thighs. (big deal) -.-’ apparently, though, it’s a really big deal when i cut. I wish it wasn’t. I stopped cutting my wrists, so it be THAT big a deal, right?

Apparently, I am WRONG. D: Man, I suck at this stuff. I should work on my perspective skills. That way I can understand why people freak out when I cut myself. I have decided to start doing a nightly ritual of chanting.  Hurray for chanting. I think I’m going to oit in the back room. Yeah. I will light a single candle, do a chant, and… I’m not sure. I would say that I’ll cut my finger and put out the flame with blood t add to the effect, or whatever, but mama might have something to say about that. Can you believe her? SHE WENT AND THREW AWAY ALL MY SHAVING RAZORS! Though I did manage to salvage two. Thank GAWD.  She says she can’t take any chances. Whatever. Everyone still thinks Im gonna drop dead. So I’ve decided to get into some spiritual chanting. Heavy sigh. I think I’ll post my story on here. Or something. My new one. Elemental Fallen Angels. But I have to type up the proloug first, and get mama to help me to figure out how to make new pages. Whatever. I’ll think about it later.  Anyway, here are my chants:

(chant #1)
All that glitters is gold.
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
Unknown to everything you ever knew.
Because, there is no meaning. Except that there is.
People die, but real love lasts forever.

(Chant #2)
I kill a man, I am an assassin;
I kill millions, I am a conqueror;
I kill everybody, I am a god
Mistress of darkness, among the shadows,
forever screaming, forever afriad,
Who speaks in third person, so she can forget that shes me
Just when she think you can trust me,
just when she need me the most,
I will let her down.
I’m sorry that I’m not worth the blood you have given me.
Mistress of darkness, among the shadows, living among us all,
Please give me strength to fight this feeling,
this feeling of emptiness
Save me from myself, my friends, my lovers, everyone.
Free me from this pain, I beg of you, I love you.
Save me from the ones who think they know me,
I want the strength to help myself, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to help you, I want to be with you, my Mistress of Darkness.
Mother of Hate, you are the only one who understood me
Give me the strength to fight for you.
Give me the courage to kill a man,
Give me the courage to kill millions
Give me the courage to kill everyone
Give me the strength to be god.
I want to be able to love again.
I want to be worth the pain you have gone through to give me what I have now.
I wish I could save you, as well. My Mistress of Darkness, among the shadows.
I shall sleep now, please save my soul.

(Chant #3)
Mistress of Evil, of Darkness, of lonliness,
Mistress of my heart.
Thoust me, thyself is you,
And yet, thou is never there for thyself, thou haven’t been in years.
Why will you not help me? I pray for yo to be there for me,
Mistress of Darkness, my soul.
I wish you back gain.
I wish you to help thyself, to save thyself, to protect, the way thou did when thyself was youngest.
I wish thou would return to thy heart, to thy mind.
Thou shalt miss me not.
I will always be hereth, waiting for thou to return to thyself.
Thou shalt return some day, i hope.
I miss thou much, and pray each day,
For thou to return to me, so that thyself may be whole once more.
I will be herein thy home forever, waiting for thou to return.
I miss thou spirit, thou heart, thou mind.
I wish you would come home, my soul. I miss you so much…
Please, come home soon.
I love you.
I shall sleep now, good night, world.

(BTW, I am going to edit my stupid tas. -.-’)

Once Upon a Time There Was a Girl Named Kimmie

Once upon a time, Kimmie was still in school. She’s almost just started Summer Vacation! Anyway, the school year before last, (fifth or fourth grade, I supposed) sucked. Her teacher, Pam Filor, and her classroom aids, Mrs. Barger, Mrs. Groat, and Mrs.Matthews, all did a very good job ruining her life. She made her feel insecure about herself, and she quickly started to hate herself. Her mom has been trying to help her out for a long time now. But Kimmie is a pathetic lame ass loser, and she won’t do anything to try herself. Why, you may ask? Because, as I said, she’s a lame ass loser, and she’s a pathetic wimp who lost all hope before she even went up to bat again after the first strike out.

In other words, because she’s stupid.

Anyway,  Kimmie went through fourth grade and passed somehow, even with her crappy attitude.

And so, we continue our story.

Kimmie recently entered seventh grade. There, in the middle of the school year somewhere, she met a boy named John, who is also in her class. Kimmie feel in love with John, but didn’t dare to say so. So she spent the school being ‘just friends’ with him. Sometime in May, John moved down to georgia.

For good.

And now Kimmie will never, ever, ever, ever see him again, because she’s too much of a retard dumbass who can’t even say, ‘I hope you’ll come back next year,’ let alone, ‘I’ll miss you.’ And thus, Kimmie sank into depression.

End of the school year! troubles should be over, right? NOPE! Not for our brave, young, stupid, heroette. Not at all, instead she found something ELSE to worry about. First, it was her repor card, but she already got that, so it’s taken care of. (NOT) No, you see, Kimmie got a 60 or something like that in Gym, and if she remembers correctly, the grade has to be a 65 or higher to pass.

Well, too bad for this moron who’s too pathetic to even (pardon my French) ATTEND FUCKING GYM CLASS!

Is that it? nope, not quite yet, but we’re getting there. Anywho, Kimmie is also worrying about her older sister, Gina, moving away to college. She worried about her sisters saftey and life. Why? Shootings, rape, assault, etc. etc.

After all we all know Kimmie’ a paranoid little loser. So yeah, Gina’s already graduated and NOW, she’s freaking out even more(ow, damnit…). Annoying!

Today, earlier this afternoon actually, Kimmie went off to visit her best friend, Pinnie, Pine, and she even met a new friend, named Tee.

They’re all pine trees, and they’re the only ones Kimmie can trust and rely on with her life. Litterally. I She almost fell out like…twelve million times.

Yeah, going off on a tangent. Anyway, Kimmie made it all the way over to Pinnie,  proceeded to shred her hands and arms to ribbons in the process, got comfy, and read for about an hour and a half. Maybe two hours. I She wasn’t counting. After she decided she should head home, because she didn’t want to miss dinner, and didn’t even know what time it was. When she got their, Anyways, before that happen, 

Kimmie felt guilty and really upset, because she felt it was her fault that Pinnie, Pine, and Tee ended up the way they did. Afterall, if I hadn’t climbed up there in the first place, they probably wouldn’t have had their lower branches chopped off. I could litterally FEEL the hurt emanting off them. But  In order to make up for her retarded mistake, Kimmie decided she would climb up them, and give them company for as long as she could and trim their branches a bit. AKA, break off the dead crap. This didn’t make hr fell very much better.

So, after her two or so hours went by, Kimmie went back home, promising to visit Pinnie and the others again tomorrow.

She got home and showed her father the couple of cuts she’d gotten from climbing Pinnie. She still felt angry and upset with herself though. So what did she do?

I went into the kitchen and stole a knife. I tried to cut my arm open with it, but it did work, so I tried a steak knife instead. No such luck. So by now I had a whole crapload of red marks all over my arm from failed attempts to cut my arm. Why the hell was it so HARD anyway? I mean seriously,  IT’S A FREAKIN’ STEAK KNIFE! It’s MADE to cut meat! And yet, somehow, itcan cut my thin flesh?

That’s fricken’ ridiculous. Can’t a girl cut herself? Sheesh.

Anyway, so I finally decided upon the bread cutting knife. That did the job nicely. I officially have a two inch long cut on my wrist! WOOT! It’s not bleeding(anymore) but it still felt very nice. And it still does. I enjoyed that. Correction; I NEEDED that. Yay! W\e. -.- Anyways, so my left arm looks ALOT worse that it actually is cause of all the failed attempts….

Wait a minute, I should probably tell you this first:  The cut that bleed a bit that I made with the bread knife…yeah, I DIDN’T cut myself very deep. It’s actually very shallow. (too bad….*pokes it* ow.) So I’m not like…commiting suicide. I’m just being and emo bitch like I’ve always been and cutting myself a bit.

Next thing you know I’ll be in a mental asylum for crazy, dangerous kids who cut themselves if they can get their hands on sharp stuff.

That also know as a hospital…(no, they’re called Insane Asylums) Oh oh yeah. hehe…I knew that.
Don’t worry about the cutting bit. Sure I did it,  but it doesn’t really hurt. It tingles. It’s kind horny-inducing…(WTF AM I SAYING!? RAH!)

Lol, It’s official I’m a pyscho. I suppose all those ‘psychiatrists’ and ‘mental health doctors’ or whatever back at Sidney were right all along. Maybe I DO need a day treatment thingamajiggy.

Haha yeah right. If they kept me with them for a die they’d all die from the things I talk about. Lol.

Something like this;

“So, tell us about yourself.”

“I’m crazy in a good way, not pyscho, and very funny if your not a loser with no humor, which you probably are. Also, I’m a possibly gifted Introvert with ADHD and Preteen Emo Syndrome. *cue to grin* Also, I don’t like it here. Your walls are too white. This must be your way to ensure that if someone’s insane, they won’t be getting over it and leaving any time soon. The walls sure be kinder colors. Sure, white singles niceness, or whatever the eff, but it also makes you think of a freakin’ ICE COLD WINTER.

Very inviting, if you ask me. *cue to sarcasm*”

“I see. Is there anything else?”

“Give me some chocolate………………*reluctant* please. Oh, and were’s Doug? I wanna talk to him. And Gina and Daddy and Mama and Derek too. Could you lend me a couple cages and a butterfly net? Oh, and some tranquilizer guns. *huge smile*”

“…”

“I guess that’s a no. Anyway, why don’t you go away and let be pyschotic in peace. That way, while your gone, I can find a sharp object, hurt myself, and then laugh in an obvious attempt to scare the hell out of you. Because I take such pleasure in messing with people’s heads. (big stupid, pyscho grin*”

“*disturbed*”

It’d be soooooooo*gasp* ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funnny if that really happened. I’d laugh.

Wrist:Tingle tingle tingle tingle

Me:Stop tingling, dom you!*pokes it…harshly*  DANGIT OWWWW!!!

Wrist:Ah loff at cho’ payne!

Me:-.-* WhatEVER!

Okay, I’m DONE now. Is Mama even HOME yet?! UGH!

Of Graduation, Depression, Report Cards, and Death

Lets start things off with the basics. I’m stressing about the following; 1)Gina, my wonderful, beloved sister, Gina, my precious person, if GRADUATING. I don’t want her to ever leave. I know that’s selfish, and I know that she’s not leaving immediately. But, graduation is like a confirmation. It’s, to me, like someone shouting in my face, “SHE’S LEAVING AND NEVER COMING! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN! BAD THINGS’LL HAPPEN TO HER! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!” Yeah, that’s irrational, I know that very muchly well. Automatic Negative Thoughts. ANTs. Like I said, I know it’s irrational, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I’ll never see her again. I keep thinking she’ll be hurt, or killed or something. And then I immediately start wondering about what’ll happen if I die. I wonder how much people would care, I wonder who would come to my funeral… And I wonder were I would go. Earlier today, while I still lolling in bed, I considering finding out what would happen if I DID die. I almost did, too…

But, that doesn’t matter too much! Back to the point. No running off on tangents, Kimmie. ^.^ Anyway, Things depressing me. 2) School = Report Cards = Pass? Fail? Yes, I’ve gotten through the seventh grade school year, but I’m absolutely POSITIVE I failed math. I probably shouldn’t be worrying about it, yeah, but I feel terrible, and I really am sure I’m going to fail. I don’t WANT to fail, but I’m positive that I will! I started taking a new medication, called Zolof, or something like that. It’s supposedly an anti depressant that take for fricken’ EVER to actually start WORKING. It’s supposed to stop constant pessimism and cheer me up a bit or something.
It’s NOT working. In fact, since I started taking it, I’ve been sleeping less, and actually having more, much, much WORSE negative thoughts than I was ORIGINALLY having.

That’s RIDICULOUS.

Anyway, I’ve almost couldn’t get to sleep last night just thinking about my math grade alone. Why the heck am I so FRICKIN’ MENTAL?! JESUS EFF-ING CHRIST!!!!

Heavy sigh. Anyway, Report Cards, Gina’s graduation. Also, the whole death thing is starting to scare ME. Everytime I think ‘What’ll happen when I die?’ , I instantly get scared, and start imagining really scary things that might happen. Then I predict that I’m going to probably end up with some sort of really terrible disease that’s going slowly and painfully kill me. Or that I’ll undergo surgery or something. And I can’t get these thoughts out of my head! They WILL NOT go the fudger AWAY. And I assure you, I DON’T want them there! I don’t like losing sleep, I don’t like worrying about death, or school, or even Gina’s graduation! I wish I was just a NORMAL 12 year old little yaoi fan girl like all the rest of them! It’s NOT fair! I HATE MY LIFE! Why the heck do I have such a fricked up life anyway?!?

~~~***

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Why is it that there can’t be someone who could just preform a spell or do something like a miracle to please just help me out a bit?

~*

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~~~ ***

Just Smile,

Even if your dying,

Even when your crying

Even when you scared

Even when your hurting inside

Even when your filled with so much sorrow and hate.

Just Smile Instead.

Smile…

It hides everything.

~*~*~*~Nyash~

(c) DemonKimmie, formerly known as KimBabe