And, really… he’s my brother. It’s not like I loathe his very existence. I do care about him, but I hate so much about him that my caring for him is being drowned out.

I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it

I have never hated myself more than I do now. I want to die… I’m a horrible, evil person, and I should be tortured and killed to repent for all of the people I’ve hurt in these past nine years. I hate this.. I don’t want to be a mean, cruel person, but I don’t know who else I should pretend to be. I’ve been told about how I’m so horrible every day of my life, and I don’t know if that’s true or not..

But I guess it probably is true by now, isn’t it?

I know why I don’t like him. I know all of this, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with it other than try to make the stupid kid leavce me the hell alone. Not talking to him doesn’t work, yelling at him doesn’t work and also gets me into heaps of trouble.

I’m in a lot of pain, but i think that I’ve been taking all of that pain and giving it to Ricky so that he can hold it for me. The thing is… I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but i don’t know how to deal with him!

I give up. I’m never talking again.

Maybe I’ll just kill myself instead and end the pain that I’ve been thrusting into everyone’s faces. Maybe if I do kill myself, Ricky can be happy again, and everyone can move on with their lives, and forget about me. then again, maybe they won’t move on, and I’ll be the only one who’s freed from this Hell we call home.

I have never felt so suicidal in my entire life. I hate myself so much right now. I’ll just slit my wrists tonight then.. it’ll be fine, I’m sure. I have gloves to hide it anyway.

2009, huh? Sounds interesting. We have a new president, that’s good. Maybe things will change now, whether it be for the best or for the worst. I wonder, I really wonder, if anything will really… change. Because nothing has really changed at all in the past several years, so I can’t help but wonder if this year will be different. I wonder if maybe I’ll lose the love of my life, but find someone new. I wonder if Gina will find her true love, and be happy. I wonder if mama will be able to keep this family together. There are so many things, good and bad, that could happen, might happen, and maybe even will happen.

In a weird way, I’m excited. but at the same time, I’m depressed, and afraid of this new year. What if something truly terrible happens? What if I can’t handle something? I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back…

I will try to keep myself jolly at least until the post-Christmas depression starts to kick in.

I hope you all have a merry Christmas.

MERI KURISUMASU, MINNA-SAN!

I’m starting to wonder if I really want to be her friend anymore. She’s starting to really piss me off. I’m starting to hatre her, and sometimes, I consider bitchslapping her. In fact, if she keeps up this bullshit, I think I will hit her. I’m sick and tired of her crushing me because I have a love-life and she’s too much of a wimp to even attempt to get one herself. She thinks that I’ll stop hanging out with her because I have a boyfriend, or something. I don’t know anymore, because she won’t even tell me. I don’t care either, really, but I’m suck of her. If she gets mad at me one more god damn time because I mention going over to David’s house/ going out with Tel Aviv/ whatever, I swear, I will boot her from this house until she’s ready to be a real friend and not some com,plete asshole who can’t seem to figure out teh meaning of me having things that she doesn’t have. Well, gee Natalie. Unlike you, I’m not a spoiled fucking bitch. So, when I get something, it’s because I DESERVE IT!

Right now, I’m more than angry with her. I want to kill her. She’s acting like an idiot. Then again, she’s always been an idiot.

Maybe I would be better off without friends…

Unfaithful - Rihanna

I’m not going to school tomorrow, I don’t think. And I will tell you why. I’m sick of school at the moment. When I go to school, I feel like committing suicide. I’m not joking around here. Lately, Ive been having these bouts of depression.  — serious depression — where I really feel like commiting suicide. I don’t know why this started happening, but I hope I can resolve the problem before it goes away. This way, I’l know what’s wrong, and I’ll be able to fix it next time it happens.

I don’t really know if anyone can really help me at this point, but it wouldd be nice if I had someone to talk to that could  help me figure out what was wrongm, because they have experience and real knowledge in this kind of stuff. No Dad, not you. No Derek, not you either. Neither of you foolish menfolk have the kind of understanding about me that Gina and Mama have. You two just don’t understand me at all. You are far too self-centered to 1.) care, and 2.) know what I’m talking about. You’re like, icons of self indulgence.

Anyway, Mama, Gina, I really do hope that you can help me out and stuff. I’d really apreciate. Maybe you can both come to my room, and we can all talk together. or better yet, we can all go to Mama’s room, and hang out in there, with no interruptions, and just talk about my little issue. Maybe we’lll figure something out…

Anyway, I really want to fix this. It’s interfereing with school seriously. I get so irritable at school nowadays that I’m getting sent or going to ALS. I haven’t been able to t hink straight because of this depression, and thus, I haven’t been doing very well on my papers, save for global studies. i honestly think of Mr. Bacon as the highliht of my dreary life. He makes me happy when I see him.

Anyway, I hope you’ll be able to help. I look forward to talking with you two.

Love, Hate, Pain.

Starting things off, me and David G are still going strong, awesomely enough. We’re still going out, we still make out after lunch(amazingly enough) and we still love eachother lots. I’m not sure why I feel so attachd to David, but I almost feel like there’s something… connecting us. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is just something there that I’ve never been able to get out of guys… out of any guys in my life. It’s like he’s giving me everything Derek, Dad, David B, and Ricky couldn’t, wouldn’t and refused to give. It’s more than just a like, or a cursh, and its more than just me liking how he looks. There’s more to it than that. I feel like I’m connected to him…

I hope he’s the one. while I highly doubt it, because we’re still so young, I hope I meet him again in about teen years, and then he’ll or I’ll propose, and we’ll get married and live happily ever after. That would make my life a bit better than it has been. I’d be happy, needless to say.

Other than that, Gina’s coming home on the 18th, I’m seeing Tel Aviv again on the 19th, and Christmas is soon. What else has been happening in my life…

Umm… nothing.

Oh yeah, Dad. You are going to download the movie Labyrinth. it has David Bowie in it, and it has a song that I’m in love with in it.

You remind me of the babe…

What babe?

The babe with the power.

What power?

The power of voodoo.

Who do?

You do!

Do what?

Remind me of the babe…

***

I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH. XD Dance magic, dance~

Anyway, I’m having a relatively good time with my life, though it could be better. I’ll try to update more often. lol, I kinda fail.

By the way, I’m an attention whore. Just thought you should know. ^.^

Sayonara, minna-san!

Also, I’m going to try to stop talking to Dad, and Derek. I don’t care what happens. I’m not speaking to those bastards anymore. They’re both incoherently idiotic, and I can not bear to give up any more of my useless time to them. I have a life outsdie of them and their idiocy. I’m not about to waste myself on them. So yeah. Don’t talk to me anymore, don’t hug me, don’t touch me, don’t try to apologize, don’t even look at me. Don’t do anything. You’ve hurt me for the last time. I’m not going to be the grown up in this situation. I’m going to be the immature brat. I’m not going to try and make amends. I’m not going to apologize for any times that I’ve hurt you two, because you sure haven’t apologized for hurting me even once in my life.

Now, I know that your going to be thinking, “Yeah I did!” But you didn’t. You said you were sorry, but did you mean even one morsel of your pathetic apology? No. You didn’t. Especially you, Derek. You never mean anything that you say. And you too Dad. You apologized for beating me when I was younger, but since your such a sadistic fuck, I doubt you regret any moment of tormenting me. You probably got hard off it, you bastard.

So yeah. That’s pretty much it. I give up. I’m done fighting, I’m done giving up my time to argue, I’m done talking to you. Don’t expect anytthing fomr me anymore. I’m not going to spend anything on you guys, whether it be money, or wether it be love or time. I’m through.

And now I’m crying, and I don’t even know why. I’m sad, and I don’t even know why. I’m not hurt by your actions. I’m not upset that I have to give up on my best friend and father. It’s not like I was ever anything important to you guys. I never really mattered to you, I’m sure.

That’s it. I’m done. I’m not going to waste anymore time on the idiots who bother to read this stupid post.

The reason of this post was actually to tell you that I’m going to cut tonight. I suppose you can just ignore the rest of it.

Actually, Dad, I’m always around. I never fucking leave the house. You told us two or three weeks ago that we would be cleaning the staircase.

And then we never did, so I went and assumed that it would never happen, because you’re a huge liar, and usally don’t do what you say you’re going to do.

And you know what’s really fucking funny? I told Derek off. He said something retarded, and I came back with ‘You’re not my fricken father.’

He shut up really fucking fast. It was actually funny, even though I’m completely pissed.

Anyway, I’m pissed off at my father right now, because he’s being an ass.

He said something, and I told him, right up front, “Sorry for having a life!” and then he yelled something else I think, but I don’t really care because I didn’t actually hear him. So yeah. He’s cleaning the stairs. I’m not going to help him. Why, you may ask? Because I don’t fucking want to. Got a problem? TOO FUCKING BAD!

So that’s it for this post. You can smnap and snarl at me later, because I really don’t care at this point.

I bit Natalie. I didn’t think I bit her that hard, and it sure as hell didn’t fucking feel like it. She shrieks, and she hits me. Derek says something fucking retarded, as he usually does whenever he butts into something that has absolutely no real issue involving him, and mama joins in the fun.

Why the hell is it so much fucking fun to hurt my feelings? Do you like hearing me try not to cry, or do stand outside my door and listen to me cry in my, while I’m still trying to hold it back, and think I’m totally alone, and unheard.

I hate all of you. This is exactly why I used to always come home in tears when daddy would pick me up from school at Sidney Center. I would do something wrong at school, and the teachers would gang up on me and tell me how horrible I was, and wrong it was of me to do that. Then, I would get in the car with dad, and he would have his round and fair share of torturing me into thinking I was really evil.

I didn’t fucking mean it, and I even fucking told you so! And yet, Derek, being the fucking dick-hole he always is, told me off anyway, even though he ISN’T MY MOTHER FUCKING FATHER!!!

And then mama felt it was her duty to add her two cents. I bet that if Daddy had been there, he would’ve made it even worse, because he’s also a fucking dick-hole.

Now you know that, while I’m writing this post, I’m crying, not crying, and trying not to cry.

And now I can’t stop crying. Everything that’s ever hurt me is coming back, from when I was five and you used to practically beat me from a day-to-day basis; to now, right now, today. When you fucked me up just a little bit more, and made me remember that I’m a fucking asshole who deserves to die, because she’s dangerous and doesn’t know when to stop. Thank you for reminding me. I had almost fucking forgot.

What lovely, awesome people and adult I live with. I love all of you so fucking much right now.

I can’t tell if you like me, so I try to make you hate me, just so that I’ll know where I stand.

I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m angry, I wish, I dream, I imagine.

But I never do.

I don’t do things; I think about doing things, I pretend to do things, but I don’t actually do things. I don’t want to do things. I don’t want to try.

I’d much rather sit and suffer than actually try to fix myself.

They tell me that I’m horrible. They tell me that I should cut my wrists and arms. They tell me that I’m evil, and deserve to die. I don’t know where they came from, but they WON’T GO AWAY!

And I don’t know what to do about this anymore, I’m ready to give up. I don’t know who I can trust. No, not you. No, not him, no not her. No, not me. I can’t believe in anyone, and I don’t know why. I can’t get rid of these thoughts, I don’t know how.

I’m sick of this feeling, I want it to go away. I’m tired of thinking, I just want to stop.

Slow me down, because I’m ready to fall.

But before you can catch me, I’m already gone. Down the void of my mind. I’m gone into the darkest pit.

The Hellish place I call ‘Insanity.’

No, I don’t need a psych ward, I don’t need an asylum.

That’s only going to make it worse.

There’s nothing…

I mean nothing…

That you can do to save me.

Because I’m already gone.

]]> http://www.kimbabe.com/2008/11/07/i-have-nothing/feed/ http://www.kimbabe.com/2008/10/31/hey-mister-shes-my-sister/ http://www.kimbabe.com/2008/10/31/hey-mister-shes-my-sister/#comments Sat, 01 Nov 2008 02:18:54 +0000 Kim http://www.kimbabe.com/?p=68 Sometimes, I think my relationship with my sister, Regina, is too … much, if you know what I mean.

I don’t want to hurt her, I still do want this relationship, but I think it’s too strong…

I have a crush on my sister. I don’t like, an admiration crush… I mean, I would date her. I’m serious. I’m in love with my sister. She comes across to me as the ideal lovers; good at sport, nice, caring, sweet, funny, awesome, and smart. That’s like… everything I’ve ever wanted in a lover, but have never been able to find.

I hope she isn’t totally creeped out by this post. That would makes meh sad.

Anyway, I just needed to get this post out of my system, because its been lurking, and I mean LURKING around in my head for the LONGEST time now.

Anyway, I’m stil helplessly in loe with David Gross, but I would absolutely love to have Gina as a lover. Too bad she’s my sister. Too bad I’m underage. ::sigh::

“The best things in life are usually unseen, unnoticed, or unreachable.”

“The rest of it is candy.”

Btw, Halloween was a fucking BLASTY BLAST(OMGDANECOOK). Too bad I walked on high heels for about three hours. Now my feet and knees are killing me.

I need to go to bed…

Good night, Great Pumpkin… wait, wut? I meant, Goodnight, home-skilets.