A Place of Forgotten Voices

I Don’t Know

I don’t know what to do anymore. Ricky never leaves me alone, he won’t shut the hell up, he won’t stop talking to me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that, because I hate him, I’m trying to distance myself from him. I don’t like seeing people cry, I hate being the cause of those tears…

And, really… he’s my brother. It’s not like I loathe his very existence. I do care about him, but I hate so much about him that my caring for him is being drowned out.

I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it

I have never hated myself more than I do now. I want to die… I’m a horrible, evil person, and I should be tortured and killed to repent for all of the people I’ve hurt in these past nine years. I hate this.. I don’t want to be a mean, cruel person, but I don’t know who else I should pretend to be. I’ve been told about how I’m so horrible every day of my life, and I don’t know if that’s true or not..

But I guess it probably is true by now, isn’t it?

I know why I don’t like him. I know all of this, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with it other than try to make the stupid kid leavce me the hell alone. Not talking to him doesn’t work, yelling at him doesn’t work and also gets me into heaps of trouble.

I’m in a lot of pain, but i think that I’ve been taking all of that pain and giving it to Ricky so that he can hold it for me. The thing is… I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but i don’t know how to deal with him!

I give up. I’m never talking again.

Maybe I’ll just kill myself instead and end the pain that I’ve been thrusting into everyone’s faces. Maybe if I do kill myself, Ricky can be happy again, and everyone can move on with their lives, and forget about me. then again, maybe they won’t move on, and I’ll be the only one who’s freed from this Hell we call home.

I have never felt so suicidal in my entire life. I hate myself so much right now. I’ll just slit my wrists tonight then.. it’ll be fine, I’m sure. I have gloves to hide it anyway.

Dreaming of a White Christmas

Well, this is it. The year is coming to an end. People are starting fresh of a new page in their book of life. Me? Well, I’m doing nothing. I’m just going to kip a line and go on to my new paragraph. Because I’m not really starting anything new. This is the same life, the same house, the same family, the same friends, the same everything. Nothing has changed except for the date. The only thing I’m going to do this year is resolve to remember that it isn’t 2008 anymore.

2009, huh? Sounds interesting. We have a new president, that’s good. Maybe things will change now, whether it be for the best or for the worst. I wonder, I really wonder, if anything will really… change. Because nothing has really changed at all in the past several years, so I can’t help but wonder if this year will be different. I wonder if maybe I’ll lose the love of my life, but find someone new. I wonder if Gina will find her true love, and be happy. I wonder if mama will be able to keep this family together. There are so many things, good and bad, that could happen, might happen, and maybe even will happen.

In a weird way, I’m excited. but at the same time, I’m depressed, and afraid of this new year. What if something truly terrible happens? What if I can’t handle something? I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back…

I will try to keep myself jolly at least until the post-Christmas depression starts to kick in.

I hope you all have a merry Christmas.

MERI KURISUMASU, MINNA-SAN!

Flies in my Hair

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.

I’m starting to wonder if I really want to be her friend anymore. She’s starting to really piss me off. I’m starting to hatre her, and sometimes, I consider bitchslapping her. In fact, if she keeps up this bullshit, I think I will hit her. I’m sick and tired of her crushing me because I have a love-life and she’s too much of a wimp to even attempt to get one herself. She thinks that I’ll stop hanging out with her because I have a boyfriend, or something. I don’t know anymore, because she won’t even tell me. I don’t care either, really, but I’m suck of her. If she gets mad at me one more god damn time because I mention going over to David’s house/ going out with Tel Aviv/ whatever, I swear, I will boot her from this house until she’s ready to be a real friend and not some com,plete asshole who can’t seem to figure out teh meaning of me having things that she doesn’t have. Well, gee Natalie. Unlike you, I’m not a spoiled fucking bitch. So, when I get something, it’s because I DESERVE IT!

Right now, I’m more than angry with her. I want to kill her. She’s acting like an idiot. Then again, she’s always been an idiot.

Maybe I would be better off without friends…

I Don’t Wanna Do This Anymore

Unfaithful - Rihanna

I’m not going to school tomorrow, I don’t think. And I will tell you why. I’m sick of school at the moment. When I go to school, I feel like committing suicide. I’m not joking around here. Lately, Ive been having these bouts of depression.  — serious depression — where I really feel like commiting suicide. I don’t know why this started happening, but I hope I can resolve the problem before it goes away. This way, I’l know what’s wrong, and I’ll be able to fix it next time it happens.

I don’t really know if anyone can really help me at this point, but it wouldd be nice if I had someone to talk to that could  help me figure out what was wrongm, because they have experience and real knowledge in this kind of stuff. No Dad, not you. No Derek, not you either. Neither of you foolish menfolk have the kind of understanding about me that Gina and Mama have. You two just don’t understand me at all. You are far too self-centered to 1.) care, and 2.) know what I’m talking about. You’re like, icons of self indulgence.

Anyway, Mama, Gina, I really do hope that you can help me out and stuff. I’d really apreciate. Maybe you can both come to my room, and we can all talk together. or better yet, we can all go to Mama’s room, and hang out in there, with no interruptions, and just talk about my little issue. Maybe we’lll figure something out…

Anyway, I really want to fix this. It’s interfereing with school seriously. I get so irritable at school nowadays that I’m getting sent or going to ALS. I haven’t been able to t hink straight because of this depression, and thus, I haven’t been doing very well on my papers, save for global studies. i honestly think of Mr. Bacon as the highliht of my dreary life. He makes me happy when I see him.

Anyway, I hope you’ll be able to help. I look forward to talking with you two.

Love, Hate, Pain.

Magic Dance

Well, gee. I haven’t updated my blog in quite a while, now have I? Time to tell you guys about stuff and let you into my world about stuff.

Starting things off, me and David G are still going strong, awesomely enough. We’re still going out, we still make out after lunch(amazingly enough) and we still love eachother lots. I’m not sure why I feel so attachd to David, but I almost feel like there’s something… connecting us. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is just something there that I’ve never been able to get out of guys… out of any guys in my life. It’s like he’s giving me everything Derek, Dad, David B, and Ricky couldn’t, wouldn’t and refused to give. It’s more than just a like, or a cursh, and its more than just me liking how he looks. There’s more to it than that. I feel like I’m connected to him…

I hope he’s the one. while I highly doubt it, because we’re still so young, I hope I meet him again in about teen years, and then he’ll or I’ll propose, and we’ll get married and live happily ever after. That would make my life a bit better than it has been. I’d be happy, needless to say.

Other than that, Gina’s coming home on the 18th, I’m seeing Tel Aviv again on the 19th, and Christmas is soon. What else has been happening in my life…

Umm… nothing.

Oh yeah, Dad. You are going to download the movie Labyrinth. it has David Bowie in it, and it has a song that I’m in love with in it.

You remind me of the babe…

What babe?

The babe with the power.

What power?

The power of voodoo.

Who do?

You do!

Do what?

Remind me of the babe…

***

I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH. XD Dance magic, dance~

Anyway, I’m having a relatively good time with my life, though it could be better. I’ll try to update more often. lol, I kinda fail.

By the way, I’m an attention whore. Just thought you should know. ^.^

Sayonara, minna-san!