Ex Nihilo

The Kill

What if I wanted to break?
That is the first line in a song that I have recently become addicted to. The song is called “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars”.
Now, you are probably wondering what kind of significance this has. Well, alot actually. That line got me thinking in odd ways, and I was thinking about my history as well. Doug has taught me a lot, mom has taught me a lot… Everyone in my life has been trying to teach me how to cope, but I reject it.
Why?
This is were the line of the song comes in. What if I don’t want to learn? What if I want to break, just to see what would happen? Would that make me crazy? Would it mean that I would have to be hospitalized for the rest of my life?
I hope not.
Maybe that’s how it is, though. It may sound messed up on all accounts, but I am a messed up person. I want to have these kind of horrible experiences. I wonder awful things like,
“What is it like to be raped? I kind of want to find out.”
“What is it like to die? It sounds interesting.”
“What is it like to be in surgery? I want to know.”
“What is it like…”
These sound like the words of a future serial killer, to be perfectly honest. I know that I would never let myself do that, but I sound like a potential one. I sound bloodthirsty, insane. I feel like some kind of sick and twisted animal when I think like this, but I guess it’s either part of who I am, or something that’s been induced by something or someone.
I watch these shows where people are mangled from head to toe, in emergency surgeries, in the operating room, emergency room… I watch shows where psychotic murderers are caught and put to trial, smiles on their faces and regret nowhere to be seen. I watch things where people are killed for no reason, and all I can think is “I want to know.”
Does this make me some kind of sick, twisted whore for blood?

Youngsters

Is it just me or is Dad getting slightly more immature as the days go by? He fights with Ricky and me. It’s absurd. I usually ignore him, but seriously. It’s pissing me off. I want to smack him; I don’t know why I haven’t yet. If he ever got close enough for me to hit him while snapping at me, I think I would hit him.

Long story short; Dad was snarling at Ricky, being spiteful to a twelve year old, and I told them both to stop acting like children. Ricky tells me to shut up, I shush him, and Dad yells at me to ’stay out of it’. I tell him to act his age. He says “Well, why don’t you shut up?” and I repeat that he should act his age.

I know I’m in the wrong, but still. “Why don’t you shut up?” What the fuck kind of come back is that? I used that when I was eight and fighting with Natalie.

I haven’t updated in a while, but then again, there hasn’t really been anything to tell you, other than that I got a 95% in Global Studies and a 81% in Biology. Don’t know the rest of my grades yet.

Other than that, I’m kinda still subtly falling to pieces. I barely notice it myself, but I am going there. This is utter bullshit. I hate myself. Well, at least I’ve got good music to listen to.

Something

Millie is dead.

I have a feeling I’m going to have to wait for a long time before I even come to realize exactly what that means.