My Krazy Kandies

ROSALIA!?

Something’s wrong with me. I don’t know what it is that’s wrong, but it’s something, and it’s bothering me.

You know that lightheaded kind of dizziness you get when you’re holding your breath in some manner or another? My head has felt like that all day, even when I’m not singing. And no, I haven’t been holding my breath. And I haven’t even mentioned that I keep getting these minor but blinding head rushes whenever I stand up. It’s really bad going up stairs.

I felt like I was gonna pass out about 2 hours ago(’round 3:15 to 3:25 PM) because my throat tightened up and my chest started to hurt, and I couldn’t really inhale without it hurting. And then my head started to pound and I got really dizzy. I had to stop rocking and cough and take painfully deep breaths, and none of it really helped. And when I took those ridiculously deep breath, my lungs vibrated. Not rattled like pneumonia; like, vibrated like a phone. In the end, it just went away on its own.

Other than that sensation of lightheadedness, I keep getting these super hot flashes, and they just make me get dizzy. The headache’s been coming and going throughout the day. I haven’t eaten much today because I just haven’t been hungry, and it seems like the coffee I’ve been drinking has been doing the job by itself anyway.

Maybe I’m DYING. -_-

Wordsmith

I learned something recently. About life. About me. About school. I learned all of this through words, though not through talking to myself, as my mother would, and not through talking to a friend, like some might. I spoke to someone I hardly know. He lives in Kentucky. We’ve only spoken face-to-face on a webcam of my friends, and she was there to talk as well. This boy, Derik, is 19, in college. He’s pretty cool for a guy, and I like him a lot. As a friend, maybe a little more.

I spoke with Derik last night. It was a good, fruitful conversation. I learned of several songs that I had never heard of, and I fell in love with a majority of them. It wasn’t until much later in the conversation that we started talking about more interesting topics, though I supposed that the change in language was partially my fault. He asked me why I was upset, because I had posted a status, perhaps, or maybe Devv had told him that I seemed “off”. Not sure, but he asked me what was wrong, and I told him in basic terms. My horrible living situation, my difficulty with school, and my nearly-clinical depression.

Of all the things he could’ve asked, the first thing he wanted to know about was school. He asked me why I was having trouble with it, and I told him that I thought it was the depression. I was having a hard time getting out of bed to go to school, and I had been having that trouble since I returned to my home school.

We talked about it for a little while, and I explained to him that it wasn’t like I didn’t like the people; no, I loved the people (except Mr. Hertzog, he’s an asshole). I had never liked the subjects of math and Social Studies, but I liked the teachers for the most part. So he asked me why it was so hard for me to go somewhere that I enjoyed being.

That was when it hit me, rather like a car into a brick wall. No, it wasn’t the people, or the subjects, or the lunch food.

It was more like the trauma.

You may or may not already know this, but when I was in elementary school, I was a problem child. I was rather dysfunctional in school, whether I was cranky or hyper. I was throwing hissy fits and swearing and screaming at teachers and students alike. I remembered suddenly that, when I had been in the 3rd grade, I had been sat next to a boy I hated; Cody. He picked on me. He didn’t ignore me or try to get me in trouble, so to speak, but he bullied me. He teased me. He made fun of me, and I would tell him to “shut his fucking mouth”, and I would get in trouble, no questions asked. That was when I threw my fits.

Other than that, I was more or less traumatized by those experiences. And I have gone and throw myself back into the place I’ve been cursing and hating my entire life. It’s no wonder I’m having so much trouble functioning in my classrooms. I suppose I still haven’t come to terms with my childhood. It’s probably the same with my father. Until I come to terms with what’s happened between us as a family, I won’t be able to let him go like my mom has.

See? I’m learning.

You Don’t Care About My Opinion, But…

I fucking hate my family. They don’t understand me at all. It kinda hurts my feelings when they assume that I can just “solve my problems” in the blink of a fucking eye. I mean, seriously? I have a learning disability and a mood disorder. I’ve been mind-raped by everyone I fucking know. My life is a mess of disorder and agony, and I believe everything about myself that I jokingly tell you. Do you understand that? When I say, “I’m such a moron,” I FUCKING MEAN IT. I AM A FUCKING MORON! You know how I know this? Well, you lot are always FUCKING TELLING ME SO.

I’m THE MOST screwed up kid I know, in ways I can’t even tell or describe. How the hell do you expect me to be able to get up every morning with a big fucking smile on my face and say, “Gee, I’m gonna have a great day today,” When I can barely get myself to open my FUCKING EYES.

Every time I start basically screaming at the top of my lungs for some help in my figurative language, I get called a whiny bitch and told that I should stop moaning and maybe do something about it. What the fuck do I do? I don’t know what there is to be done! I don’t know why I’m depressed, why I can’t get myself to stop being depressed… I can’t even always tell you why I haven’t fucking killed myself yet!

It’s clear to me that nobody gets this, but you know, it really SUCKS when nobody can understand that it just hurts.

I’m so sick of living. I’m sick of people, and school, and not being able to sleep, and not wanting to eat, and not being able to function… I’m sick of being awake, and I’m sick of sleeping. I’m going to fucking DIE if I keep treating myself like this, but at this stage in the game I so totally don’t give a shit that I can’t even describe it to you.

I’m tired of this whole “living” bullshit..

This is a Really Bad New Years Post

After midnight, partying until tomorrow
Whatever happens tonight, just stay right by my side
So, lets enjoy the celebration!

.

And the year has passed, a little too fast for my tastes. A lot of big things have happened to perhaps slightly change how my life feels on my tongue, but at the same time, very much of nothing has taken place to further sour the flavor.

I don’t remember the beginning of the year, to be perfectly honest. In fact, I hardly remember what took place more towards the end. My ability to recollect my thoughts is as terrible as ever. I think that New Years was the least stressful of the holidays so far; we were able to mostly keep our pleasantness intact. Mostly. I don’t know if that’s a sign for the future, or if that’s just how the fam is…

Whatever. Don’t matter now.

Jesus Christ, this is only the most impossible thing I’ve ever posted. I have no goddamn clue what to put here. Screw it.