Ex Nihilo

Darkest of the Scrap Metal in my Head, Probably

Something’s seriously wrong, but I don’t knnow what it is. I feel like I’m about ready to come apart at the seams. Not sure why, not even close, but I do have the feeling. That weird scratchy feeling that runs up and down my legs, and sometimes across my wrists and forearm. Still not sure, but since everyone wants to try and figure it out, I suppose I might as well led you a hand with what little I know about what goes on in my own head.

First of all, while this is fairly irrelvant, or so you may think, every summer, i fall to pieces. You know this, I know this, I’m pretty sure we all know this. I had a nervous breakdown loast year, slit up my wrists the y ear before… I kinda wonder what stupid stunt I’m going to pull this time. Maybe I’ll run away from home for a couple of nights. Probably not, but hey, its out there. It’s an option that will get  me in trouble, like I seem to want so badly.

Now, yes, I know that was kind of beside the point, but its something to think about. What was the same those last two years, and what’s the same this year? I don’t know myself, because my memory of my past is actually fairly poor, so you’ll have to talk amongst yourselves to figure out if that’s the case.

Lets see… what else is there that I can see in this abyss of my mind? I see an anxiety, oh yes, a bad one. A terrified little girl crying as she is curled up in a ball, praying to whoever will listen that something can be done to fix her messed up life, make everything the way its supposed to be, and maybe even save her family from separation. That’s all I  want right now; I don’t care about the job, I don’t care about the money. I just want to be friends with everyone in my family, and not just Gina and Mama. YOu boys in this house might think that I hate the lot of you, which I don’t, but you’re not really trying to make yourselves a little different so that you won’t irritate me so easily. You should know by now why I snap at you all the tiome, so why can’t you fix yourselves and try to be more cautious around me, instead of being the ignorant fools that I loathe.

That, in more basic words, is me saying ‘lets fix this together, and become a family again, okay?’ And while I know the chances of you listening to what I have to say are slim, I still have to hope. After all, if I don’t, who will?

What else is there that has my head in a bundle of scrap metal? Well, I’m not quite sure, honestly. It’s gotten pretty dark in here. Its kind of lonely.

I don’t know if this is a burn-out, or if its something that’s serious. I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out. I’ve done my bit in trying to figure out what I can. At this point, my brain seems to be shutting itself down. Until next time….

~Kimmie, sort of.