Ex Nihilo

I Don’t Know

January 5, 2009 on 8:30 pm | In Stuff | Comments Off

I don’t know what to do anymore. Ricky never leaves me alone, he won’t shut the hell up, he won’t stop talking to me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that, because I hate him, I’m trying to distance myself from him. I don’t like seeing people cry, I hate being the cause of those tears…

And, really… he’s my brother. It’s not like I loathe his very existence. I do care about him, but I hate so much about him that my caring for him is being drowned out.

I’m sorry, I really am, but I don’t know what I’m going to do about it

I have never hated myself more than I do now. I want to die… I’m a horrible, evil person, and I should be tortured and killed to repent for all of the people I’ve hurt in these past nine years. I hate this.. I don’t want to be a mean, cruel person, but I don’t know who else I should pretend to be. I’ve been told about how I’m so horrible every day of my life, and I don’t know if that’s true or not..

But I guess it probably is true by now, isn’t it?

I know why I don’t like him. I know all of this, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with it other than try to make the stupid kid leavce me the hell alone. Not talking to him doesn’t work, yelling at him doesn’t work and also gets me into heaps of trouble.

I’m in a lot of pain, but i think that I’ve been taking all of that pain and giving it to Ricky so that he can hold it for me. The thing is… I don’t want to hurt him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but i don’t know how to deal with him!

I give up. I’m never talking again.

Maybe I’ll just kill myself instead and end the pain that I’ve been thrusting into everyone’s faces. Maybe if I do kill myself, Ricky can be happy again, and everyone can move on with their lives, and forget about me. then again, maybe they won’t move on, and I’ll be the only one who’s freed from this Hell we call home.

I have never felt so suicidal in my entire life. I hate myself so much right now. I’ll just slit my wrists tonight then.. it’ll be fine, I’m sure. I have gloves to hide it anyway.