My Krazy Kandies

The Dream ~Psychosis~

She never did what they told her to… They’ll never see her dream come true.

Your fabulous invention… She remembers what they said when she was young.

What strange imagination shown… She knows what they think of her now.

Your glorious intentions… There’s a sea of doubt beneath her own. They’ll never know what she wants.

She sits in her room, planning something out on paper. She writes, and draws, and doodles strange markings all over her page. her body is covered in scars, tattoos, markings from this strange language only she knows. It is uncertain the depth of her psychosis, but it is certain that she isn’t normal. Something is wrong with her, but they don’t know what.

You’re not the first to dream this little girl. She hears his voice, speaking to her in her mind, and she smiles. She knows him well, and she loves him. He is the only one who talks to her anymore. She is the only one who understands the strange language he speaks.

You know its never happened once in this world… She nods in reply, and says something in her strange tongue. It comes out raspy, and emotionless. She draws out every syllable. She likes how her voice sounds, for some reason. The nurse hurries into the room, and listens to her speaking. She ignores the nurse’s voice, and focuses on his voice.

It never crossed my mind that one so young could hope to find… She loves him more than anything. She continues speaking to him, and almost hears the nurse calling her name. She doesn’t remember her name anymore. She doesn’t remember who she is. She doesn’t care anyway. The only name she needs to remember is his name, because he is the only thing left in her world that matters.

A power greater than my own… She wants him, she wants to be with him… she wants to know what it feels like to be so high. She takes her pen, sharp and pointy, and begins drawing on her body again. They stopped trying to prevent her from damaging herself. They know its useless by now. They know there is nothing they can do to keep her away from him. This feeling, these marking, this writing, this language…Â it makes her feel closer to him.

Now she flies over clouds in twilight skies…

Nothing to bind her, no one will find her this high…

Far above the rainy weather…

All plans have come together…

And for the first time, she feels just fine…

She will find him someday, and they will be together forever. They will love each other, and they will dance together amongst the fire and brimstone of Hell. They will laugh, and play, and talk. They will love each other… They will love each other…

She will obey, she will follow… She will do everything for him, because he is all she remembers, and he is all that matters.

Dreaming of a White Christmas

Well, this is it. The year is coming to an end. People are starting fresh of a new page in their book of life. Me? Well, I’m doing nothing. I’m just going to kip a line and go on to my new paragraph. Because I’m not really starting anything new. This is the same life, the same house, the same family, the same friends, the same everything. Nothing has changed except for the date. The only thing I’m going to do this year is resolve to remember that it isn’t 2008 anymore.

2009, huh? Sounds interesting. We have a new president, that’s good. Maybe things will change now, whether it be for the best or for the worst. I wonder, I really wonder, if anything will really… change. Because nothing has really changed at all in the past several years, so I can’t help but wonder if this year will be different. I wonder if maybe I’ll lose the love of my life, but find someone new. I wonder if Gina will find her true love, and be happy. I wonder if mama will be able to keep this family together. There are so many things, good and bad, that could happen, might happen, and maybe even will happen.

In a weird way, I’m excited. but at the same time, I’m depressed, and afraid of this new year. What if something truly terrible happens? What if I can’t handle something? I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back…

I will try to keep myself jolly at least until the post-Christmas depression starts to kick in.

I hope you all have a merry Christmas.

MERI KURISUMASU, MINNA-SAN!

Flies in my Hair

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie.

I’m starting to wonder if I really want to be her friend anymore. She’s starting to really piss me off. I’m starting to hatre her, and sometimes, I consider bitchslapping her. In fact, if she keeps up this bullshit, I think I will hit her. I’m sick and tired of her crushing me because I have a love-life and she’s too much of a wimp to even attempt to get one herself. She thinks that I’ll stop hanging out with her because I have a boyfriend, or something. I don’t know anymore, because she won’t even tell me. I don’t care either, really, but I’m suck of her. If she gets mad at me one more god damn time because I mention going over to David’s house/ going out with Tel Aviv/ whatever, I swear, I will boot her from this house until she’s ready to be a real friend and not some com,plete asshole who can’t seem to figure out teh meaning of me having things that she doesn’t have. Well, gee Natalie. Unlike you, I’m not a spoiled fucking bitch. So, when I get something, it’s because I DESERVE IT!

Right now, I’m more than angry with her. I want to kill her. She’s acting like an idiot. Then again, she’s always been an idiot.

Maybe I would be better off without friends…

I Don’t Wanna Do This Anymore

Unfaithful – Rihanna

I’m not going to school tomorrow, I don’t think. And I will tell you why. I’m sick of school at the moment. When I go to school, I feel like committing suicide. I’m not joking around here. Lately, Ive been having these bouts of depression. — serious depression — where I really feel like commiting suicide. I don’t know why this started happening, but I hope I can resolve the problem before it goes away. This way, I’l know what’s wrong, and I’ll be able to fix it next time it happens.

I don’t really know if anyone can really help me at this point, but it wouldd be nice if I had someone to talk to that could help me figure out what was wrongm, because they have experience and real knowledge in this kind of stuff. No Dad, not you. No Derek, not you either. Neither of you foolish menfolk have the kind of understanding about me that Gina and Mama have. You two just don’t understand me at all. You are far too self-centered to 1.) care, and 2.) know what I’m talking about. You’re like, icons of self indulgence.

Anyway, Mama, Gina, I really do hope that you can help me out and stuff. I’d really apreciate. Maybe you can both come to my room, and we can all talk together. or better yet, we can all go to Mama’s room, and hang out in there, with no interruptions, and just talk about my little issue. Maybe we’lll figure something out…

Anyway, I really want to fix this. It’s interfereing with school seriously. I get so irritable at school nowadays that I’m getting sent or going to ALS. I haven’t been able to t hink straight because of this depression, and thus, I haven’t been doing very well on my papers, save for global studies. i honestly think of Mr. Bacon as the highliht of my dreary life. He makes me happy when I see him.

Anyway, I hope you’ll be able to help. I look forward to talking with you two.

Love, Hate, Pain.

Karma

Karma – Kamelot

You know, I recently realized… If I keep this up long enough, everyone really wioll hate me! And then I’l get my wish, adn then I’ll be happy, because everyone will hate me, even at home. At this rate, it won’t wrok though… I need to try harder, and eventually my Karma will catch up with me. Of course, if I’m not careful, I’ll end up getting killed or something.

I’m sad. That’s the entire point of this post. I’m sad, very sad. Do you want to know why I’m sad? Well, there are two reason. The first, and most important reason is that mama, dearest mama, is mad at me. The second one, another important one, but not as important, is that mama thinks I’m a bad kid. She’ll probably deny it, and tell me otherwise, but I can tell when I feel a vibe like that. It was strong, and it was furious, and it was sad, and it was directed right at me. I almost cried about nine times while she was straightening my hair. I felt like a bad kid, so that leads me to suspect that she thinks I’m a bad kid.

So yeah, if I try hard enough, I can enough to hate me, even if it’s only for a little while. Like they say; “you can do anything if you put your mind to it.” Well, I’m not putting my mmind to it. It’s turning out that making people angry is very easy. All you have to do is well, be the usual suspect when something is taken. Then everybody hates you.

Apparently, mama had a soda. apparently, someone took her dearest, lovely, amazingly awesome soda that I don’t recall her having.

And, of course, you guessed it. I’m the suspect, as usual. Why? Because I’m a known thief. I stole a few… a lot of Dad’s sodas, and he bitched about it, and I took three Twist Ups. Righto.

Now, I can understand Dad being mad, but he’s kind… how do you say… GOT A FUCKING STICK SHOVED UP HIS ASS. Ahem. Yes, I believe those are relatively decent choices of words. Basically, he’s bein’ a bitch because I took his precious soda.

Time for Kimmie to bitch you out, dad.

Well, Daddy, dearest Daddy… Well, I know that soda is precious to you. I also know that your teeth are falling out. Did you know that coke, yes, COKE, can DISSOLVE a perfectly healthy tooth in only 74 hours? I bet you didn’t. You spoil yourself more than we can fucking afford I hope you know that. With the amount of cigarettes and soda you always buy, we could feed a family of twenty in Ethiopia. No, fuck Ethiopia. We could feed THIS FAMILY.

But, clearly you don’t care enough to do anything about your disgusting habit number one, or your painfully unhealthy habit number two. Lets see… cigarettes are around seven dollars now right? You and mom smoke a pack a day. that’s fourteen dollars. fourteen times seven is nintey eight. Yes, you spend approximately nintey eight dollars a wekek on cigarettes alone. one every two weeks, you spend about five dollars on soda. that about 201 dollars, if i got the cigarette part right.

Yes, dad. You fucking EAT, SMOKE, AND DRINK EVERY DOLLAR WE MAKE! Why? because you have habits. Unhealthy habits. I’m surprised you aren’t fucking obese with the way you eat, and I’m quite wondrous as to where you’ve been getting the money to pay for all of this.

Okay, I’m done yelling at you. You aren’t going to do SHIT about it, so why the fuck do I even bother with you anymore? I give up, dad. But when we lose the house, your job, andeverything we ever had, I’ll know exactly who to blame it on.

Not just you, but mama too! Hey, that rhymed!

Anyway, back to the point. I took mama’s soda. Or so she says. I’m oging to agree withher, take her word for it, say I did it, throw down my imaginary guilt and say “you caught me, I’m a liar. I have lied.” like Dane Cook would. you know why? Because there is fucking nothing that I can do to convince you that I didn’t do it. So, I’m not even going to bother.

I just want you to know that I’m hurt by the fact that you can’t trust me, and I’m hurt even more by the fact that it’s my fault you can’t trust. I deeply apologize for being A.) stupid, B.) a thief, and C.) alot of other things that I don’t have the time or caring to bother listing.

Basically, I’m sorry for being the worst daughter you were even cursed with.

Have a jolly, holly Christmas.