Ex Nihilo

You Have Been Warned

I’m going to cut up my hands and maybe even my arms tonight. I’m telling you this ahead of time so that you aren’t surprised when it actually happens.

Also, I’m going to try to stop talking to Dad, and Derek. I don’t care what happens. I’m not speaking to those bastards anymore. They’re both incoherently idiotic, and I can not bear to give up any more of my useless time to them. I have a life outsdie of them and their idiocy. I’m not about to waste myself on them. So yeah. Don’t talk to me anymore, don’t hug me, don’t touch me, don’t try to apologize, don’t even look at me. Don’t do anything. You’ve hurt me for the last time. I’m not going to be the grown up in this situation. I’m going to be the immature brat. I’m not going to try and make amends. I’m not going to apologize for any times that I’ve hurt you two, because you sure haven’t apologized for hurting me even once in my life.

Now, I know that your going to be thinking, “Yeah I did!” But you didn’t. You said you were sorry, but did you mean even one morsel of your pathetic apology? No. You didn’t. Especially you, Derek. You never mean anything that you say. And you too Dad. You apologized for beating me when I was younger, but since your such a sadistic fuck, I doubt you regret any moment of tormenting me. You probably got hard off it, you bastard.

So yeah. That’s pretty much it. I give up. I’m done fighting, I’m done giving up my time to argue, I’m done talking to you. Don’t expect anytthing fomr me anymore. I’m not going to spend anything on you guys, whether it be money, or wether it be love or time. I’m through.

And now I’m crying, and I don’t even know why. I’m sad, and I don’t even know why. I’m not hurt by your actions. I’m not upset that I have to give up on my best friend and father. It’s not like I was ever anything important to you guys. I never really mattered to you, I’m sure.

That’s it. I’m done. I’m not going to waste anymore time on the idiots who bother to read this stupid post.

The reason of this post was actually to tell you that I’m going to cut tonight. I suppose you can just ignore the rest of it.

My Deepest Apologies

So, yeah. Daddy’s being a fucking bitch again. He yells at me because I’m starving, and need to eat, because I HAVEN’T YET, and then he yells at me again for ‘never being around.’

Actually, Dad, I’m always around. I never fucking leave the house. You told us two or three weeks ago that we would be cleaning the staircase.

And then we never did, so I went and assumed that it would never happen, because you’re a huge liar, and usally don’t do what you say you’re going to do.

And you know what’s really fucking funny? I told Derek off. He said something retarded, and I came back with ‘You’re not my fricken father.’

He shut up really fucking fast. It was actually funny, even though I’m completely pissed.

Anyway, I’m pissed off at my father right now, because he’s being an ass.

He said something, and I told him, right up front, “Sorry for having a life!” and then he yelled something else I think, but I don’t really care because I didn’t actually hear him. So yeah. He’s cleaning the stairs. I’m not going to help him. Why, you may ask? Because I don’t fucking want to. Got a problem? TOO FUCKING BAD!

So that’s it for this post. You can smnap and snarl at me later, because I really don’t care at this point.

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now

I love how everyone loves to fucking gang up on me in a torrent of hurting comments as if they’re trying to kill my heart when ever I do something wrong.

I bit Natalie. I didn’t think I bit her that hard, and it sure as hell didn’t fucking feel like it. She shrieks, and she hits me. Derek says something fucking retarded, as he usually does whenever he butts into something that has absolutely no real issue involving him, and mama joins in the fun.

Why the hell is it so much fucking fun to hurt my feelings? Do you like hearing me try not to cry, or do stand outside my door and listen to me cry in my, while I’m still trying to hold it back, and think I’m totally alone, and unheard.

I hate all of you. This is exactly why I used to always come home in tears when daddy would pick me up from school at Sidney Center. I would do something wrong at school, and the teachers would gang up on me and tell me how horrible I was, and wrong it was of me to do that. Then, I would get in the car with dad, and he would have his round and fair share of torturing me into thinking I was really evil.

I didn’t fucking mean it, and I even fucking told you so! And yet, Derek, being the fucking dick-hole he always is, told me off anyway, even though he ISN’T MY MOTHER FUCKING FATHER!!!

And then mama felt it was her duty to add her two cents. I bet that if Daddy had been there, he would’ve made it even worse, because he’s also a fucking dick-hole.

Now you know that, while I’m writing this post, I’m crying, not crying, and trying not to cry.

And now I can’t stop crying. Everything that’s ever hurt me is coming back, from when I was five and you used to practically beat me from a day-to-day basis; to now, right now, today. When you fucked me up just a little bit more, and made me remember that I’m a fucking asshole who deserves to die, because she’s dangerous and doesn’t know when to stop. Thank you for reminding me. I had almost fucking forgot.

What lovely, awesome people and adult I live with. I love all of you so fucking much right now.

I Have Nothing

I don’t know why I do this anymore. I don’t even know who I trust. I don’t know who I can love, and I don’t know who cares about me.

I can’t tell if you like me, so I try to make you hate me, just so that I’ll know where I stand.

I’m sad, I’m happy, I’m angry, I wish, I dream, I imagine.

But I never do.

I don’t do things; I think about doing things, I pretend to do things, but I don’t actually do things. I don’t want to do things. I don’t want to try.

I’d much rather sit and suffer than actually try to fix myself.

They tell me that I’m horrible. They tell me that I should cut my wrists and arms. They tell me that I’m evil, and deserve to die. I don’t know where they came from, but they WON’T GO AWAY!

And I don’t know what to do about this anymore, I’m ready to give up. I don’t know who I can trust. No, not you. No, not him, no not her. No, not me. I can’t believe in anyone, and I don’t know why. I can’t get rid of these thoughts, I don’t know how.

I’m sick of this feeling, I want it to go away. I’m tired of thinking, I just want to stop.

Slow me down, because I’m ready to fall.

But before you can catch me, I’m already gone. Down the void of my mind. I’m gone into the darkest pit.

The Hellish place I call ‘Insanity.’

No, I don’t need a psych ward, I don’t need an asylum.

That’s only going to make it worse.

There’s nothing…

I mean nothing…

That you can do to save me.

Because I’m already gone.

Oh SNAP

IN YOUR FUCKING FACE NICK ARMANDO! OBAMA FUCKING WON! LOSER! HOPE YOU DIE FOR SUPPORETING MCCAIN YOU COMPLETE FUCKTARD! YOU TOO WENDY!

Barack Hussein Obama; our forty fourth and FIRST GODDAMNED BLACK PRESIDENT! BIIITTCCHHHESSS~~~!!!