A Little Self-Expedition

September 22, 2008 on 9:22 pm | In Stuff | 2 Comments

I can’t get good grades

I can’t make honor roll

I can’t sleep

I can’t make myself pretty

I can’t make it through the school year

I can’t stop cutting

I can’t make it

I can’t do this anymore

I’m afraid to fail

I’m afraid to mess up

I’m afraid to cry

I’m afraid to show how I really feel

I’m afraid that you’ll hurt me

I’m afraid that I’ll die

I’m afraid of the nightmares

I’m afraid of myself

I don’t want to do this

I don’t want to pass

I don’t want to go to school

I don’t want to make honor roll

I don’t want to get good grades

I don’t want to fail

I don’t want to cry

I don’t want to hurt

I don’t want to try

I don’t want to mess up

I don’t want to make this work

I want to be alone

I want to be me

I want to cut

I want to cry

I want to be happy

I want to be angry

I want to be able to show you who I really am

I want to be able to show you how I really feel

I want to be able to show you that I’m pretty

I want to see my sister again

I want to erase everything that I don’t want

I hate myself

I hate a lot of people

I hate to cry

I hate being weak

I hate being angry

I hate being happy

I hate hiding who I really am

I hate hiding how I really feel

I hate not being able to sleep

I wish I had been able to tell you all of this sooner

I wish my life were better

I wish I didn’t have nightmares

I wish I could sleep

I wish I wasn’t so stupid

I wish I could cry

I wish I wasn’t guilty of so many things

I wish I could show you how I really feel

I wish I could show you who I really am

I wish I was pretty

I wish I could get grades

I wish I could make honor roll

I wish I could make mama proud

I wish I could make Gina happy

I wish I was a nicer person

I wish I wasn’t so miserable

I wish I had never gone to Sidney Center school

I wish I had never had to change schools

I wish I didn’t need your help

I wish I was normal

I wish I was happy

I wish I didn’t scare everyone

I’m sorry for hurting you

I’m sorry for scaring you

I’m sorry for making you cry

I’m lost, and I don’t think I’ll ever be found

I wish you understood me

2 Comments

  1. huh?

    Comment by MercenaryD — September 22, 2008 #

  2. You have gotten good grades

    You have made honor roll

    You sleep more than you think you do

    You are pretty

    You’ve made it through 8 school years; I think you’ll do it again.

    You can’t stop cutting – on your own, but that’s why I want to help.

    You can make it

    You can keep going

    Everyone’s afraid to fail; I know I most certainly am.

    I am too.

    There are people who don’t like crying; I’m one of them

    I hide how I feel all the time.

    Everyone’s afraid of getting hurt

    That’s the 2nd highest fear, following public speaking

    No one likes nightmares

    I wish you weren’t :(

    I’ve felt like that at times, too.

    But you do. You want to be a social worker, no?

    I know plenty of kids who’d agree with you

    Yes you do

    Yes you do

    Again, no one does

    I don’t like it either

    Hurting is never pleasant

    I know that feeling

    I know that feeling too

    Inwardly, you do

    That’s the biggest lie in the world

    You are you

    :(

    And it’s perfectly normal to want to. eventually you’ll be able to.

    You will be

    Haha, it doesn’t take much to piss you off. Ask me and I’ll do that for ya.

    You can :)

    see above

    You don’t have to work at it hon. You already are pretty

    Less than a month, hon :)

    I know how you feel

    I wish you loved yourself

    Yea, understandable

    No one really likes it; to them it shows weakness

    You’re not really weak. Otherwise you’d have killed yourself a long time ago.

    but you said you wanted to be angry?

    You like it and you know it

    You’re not really hiding

    then why don’t yo not hide them then

    Yea… I hate that too

    Don’t worry about it. We’re all with you.

    Who doesn’t?

    No one likes nightmares

    :(

    You’re not stupid

    Life’s not right without regret

    You can

    You can (I’m repetitive, I know)

    You are pretty

    You do get good grades

    You have made honor roll

    I’m pretty sure you already have

    I don’t have to work that hard to make me happy, Kimmie, I love you to pieces :)

    You are. Just not when you’re obviously depressed :)

    I know, hon. wish I could help fix that

    Yea… I agree

    I understand

    People need help every now and then. It’s the ability to ask for it that’s important.

    You’re more normal than a lot of people. Look at George Bush.

    I do too

    I do too

    It’s okay. I forgive you

    See above…

    You’ve never made ME cry. It takes alot to do that these days

    I think you will

    I wish i did too, and for not being able to, I’m sorry

    ——-

    can I say that I notice a crap load of contradicting statements in that post? :)

    Comment by G — September 22, 2008 #

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