Ex Nihilo

A Little Self-Expedition

September 22, 2008 on 9:22 pm | In Stuff | 2 Comments

I can’t get good grades

I can’t make honor roll

I can’t sleep

I can’t make myself pretty

I can’t make it through the school year

I can’t stop cutting

I can’t make it

I can’t do this anymore

I’m afraid to fail

I’m afraid to mess up

I’m afraid to cry

I’m afraid to show how I really feel

I’m afraid that you’ll hurt me

I’m afraid that I’ll die

I’m afraid of the nightmares

I’m afraid of myself

I don’t want to do this

I don’t want to pass

I don’t want to go to school

I don’t want to make honor roll

I don’t want to get good grades

I don’t want to fail

I don’t want to cry

I don’t want to hurt

I don’t want to try

I don’t want to mess up

I don’t want to make this work

I want to be alone

I want to be me

I want to cut

I want to cry

I want to be happy

I want to be angry

I want to be able to show you who I really am

I want to be able to show you how I really feel

I want to be able to show you that I’m pretty

I want to see my sister again

I want to erase everything that I don’t want

I hate myself

I hate a lot of people

I hate to cry

I hate being weak

I hate being angry

I hate being happy

I hate hiding who I really am

I hate hiding how I really feel

I hate not being able to sleep

I wish I had been able to tell you all of this sooner

I wish my life were better

I wish I didn’t have nightmares

I wish I could sleep

I wish I wasn’t so stupid

I wish I could cry

I wish I wasn’t guilty of so many things

I wish I could show you how I really feel

I wish I could show you who I really am

I wish I was pretty

I wish I could get grades

I wish I could make honor roll

I wish I could make mama proud

I wish I could make Gina happy

I wish I was a nicer person

I wish I wasn’t so miserable

I wish I had never gone to Sidney Center school

I wish I had never had to change schools

I wish I didn’t need your help

I wish I was normal

I wish I was happy

I wish I didn’t scare everyone

I’m sorry for hurting you

I’m sorry for scaring you

I’m sorry for making you cry

I’m lost, and I don’t think I’ll ever be found

I wish you understood me