Ex Nihilo

Dear Life, The Universe, and Everything

January 18, 2008 on 7:44 pm | In Stuff | 2 Comments

Dear life, the universe, and everything,

Life has hit an all time low for me. I’m not sure why, but I feel worse than shit. I hate myself, and feel like cutting really bad. I don’t know if I should or not. I really don’t know. I kind of wonder if the reason I’m so depressed is because I haven’t been cutting. That would suck if it was it. Because then I’d be like… Addicted to cutting, for real… At least cutting isn’t a physical addiction…

I still want to know why I hate myself so much tonight. It really is bothering me… Kinda scary. I sometimes wonder who I really am. It bothers me occasionally… not knowing who I really am. or who I should be, what I’m supposed to do. I really need a purpose to keep living. For some reason, because people love me isn’t quite enough. I’m tired of doing what people want me to do. For once in my life, I’d like to just do what Kimmie wants to do, and not what everyone else wants to do.

I still feel like cutting….

I haven’t spoken to Alice Heintel in a long while too… Maybe that’s why I’m so depressed. It could also just be because I’m tired. I was just in Kmart for three hours. Surrounded by people. I’m an introvert. I can’t take that for that long. I usually get depressed when I’m tired…

That can’t be it though, because I’ve been depressed for a long while now. It isn’t just today. This has been going on for weeks now. I’m starting to worry about myself. What if I really just can’t control the urge,. And just cut again, just because the ache is too strong? I kinda wonder why pain gives me such a high. When I cut myself, I just feel happy, proud, like it means something important to have control over one thing in my life.

Control over one thing.. That’s probably it. I haven’t been controlling my life since the beginning of this school year. I’ve just been following orders. Mama has been running things for me. No, I can’t say that ‘because that’s not it.

I’ve never felt in control of anything. But cutting gives me this kind of release.. this really good feeling. A high… It’s just a really arousing feeling when I’m in pain, you know? It’s like I suddenly become aware and awake. And, If I spend too much time without that pain, I slowly slink back into this fog, and cant really get a grip on what’s going on around me, and what’s happening.

So basically, without pain, I lose touch with the rest of the world. And that makes me feel depressed… It gives me the feeling that I’m not really there when I’m in that fog. I’m usually unaware of what I’m doing, and thinking, and saying… I can’t remember what’s going on one second to the next, and things just don’t flow. It’s like a skipping CD. Unless cleaned, it doesn’t work properly. I don’t know any good metaphors for that. I really don’t. And I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m tired, and depressed, and I want to cut. I’m worried, and I don’t want to make mom upset, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to cut, to hurt, to come back to this world, and stay there. At least for a while.

Why does pain feel so good to me? Doesn’t that qualify me as a masochist?

I just did it….

Sorry Mama. :c

Depressing Nyash,

Kimmie~