Ex Nihilo

RAWR VOTE RIGHT NOW~!

Right, so last time., if you ALLLL Vote, I will get an Ipod Shuffle. So, PLEASE VOTE. PPPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASEEEE IM BEGGING YOU!! OMFG! *Dies*

HEREs the link.

http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=12529650

Chant Thyself to Sleep, Thou Shalt Not Return

When, I’ kinda f**ked up, aren’t I? Hat’s just judging from the last post. Mama has officially put me on m,onitoring. I have no privacy, officially. It kinda suuucks. I KNEW I shouldn’t have wore a miniskirt the other day! D: Yeah, I cut up my thighs. (big deal) -.-’ apparently, though, it’s a really big deal when i cut. I wish it wasn’t. I stopped cutting my wrists, so it be THAT big a deal, right?

Apparently, I am WRONG. D: Man, I suck at this stuff. I should work on my perspective skills. That way I can understand why people freak out when I cut myself. I have decided to start doing a nightly ritual of chanting.  Hurray for chanting. I think I’m going to oit in the back room. Yeah. I will light a single candle, do a chant, and… I’m not sure. I would say that I’ll cut my finger and put out the flame with blood t add to the effect, or whatever, but mama might have something to say about that. Can you believe her? SHE WENT AND THREW AWAY ALL MY SHAVING RAZORS! Though I did manage to salvage two. Thank GAWD.  She says she can’t take any chances. Whatever. Everyone still thinks Im gonna drop dead. So I’ve decided to get into some spiritual chanting. Heavy sigh. I think I’ll post my story on here. Or something. My new one. Elemental Fallen Angels. But I have to type up the proloug first, and get mama to help me to figure out how to make new pages. Whatever. I’ll think about it later.  Anyway, here are my chants:

(chant #1)
All that glitters is gold.
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
Unknown to everything you ever knew.
Because, there is no meaning. Except that there is.
People die, but real love lasts forever.

(Chant #2)
I kill a man, I am an assassin;
I kill millions, I am a conqueror;
I kill everybody, I am a god
Mistress of darkness, among the shadows,
forever screaming, forever afriad,
Who speaks in third person, so she can forget that shes me
Just when she think you can trust me,
just when she need me the most,
I will let her down.
I’m sorry that I’m not worth the blood you have given me.
Mistress of darkness, among the shadows, living among us all,
Please give me strength to fight this feeling,
this feeling of emptiness
Save me from myself, my friends, my lovers, everyone.
Free me from this pain, I beg of you, I love you.
Save me from the ones who think they know me,
I want the strength to help myself, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to help you, I want to be with you, my Mistress of Darkness.
Mother of Hate, you are the only one who understood me
Give me the strength to fight for you.
Give me the courage to kill a man,
Give me the courage to kill millions
Give me the courage to kill everyone
Give me the strength to be god.
I want to be able to love again.
I want to be worth the pain you have gone through to give me what I have now.
I wish I could save you, as well. My Mistress of Darkness, among the shadows.
I shall sleep now, please save my soul.

(Chant #3)
Mistress of Evil, of Darkness, of lonliness,
Mistress of my heart.
Thoust me, thyself is you,
And yet, thou is never there for thyself, thou haven’t been in years.
Why will you not help me? I pray for yo to be there for me,
Mistress of Darkness, my soul.
I wish you back gain.
I wish you to help thyself, to save thyself, to protect, the way thou did when thyself was youngest.
I wish thou would return to thy heart, to thy mind.
Thou shalt miss me not.
I will always be hereth, waiting for thou to return to thyself.
Thou shalt return some day, i hope.
I miss thou much, and pray each day,
For thou to return to me, so that thyself may be whole once more.
I will be herein thy home forever, waiting for thou to return.
I miss thou spirit, thou heart, thou mind.
I wish you would come home, my soul. I miss you so much…
Please, come home soon.
I love you.
I shall sleep now, good night, world.

(BTW, I am going to edit my stupid tas. -.-’)

Mama, Daddy, My Sister, Me, PincessXDownfall, and Hatred

Okay, first thing, for princessXdownfall. wtfh. She say thats its impossible to die from cutting. OPEN UP YOUR FUCKING EYES< PRINCESS> if you lok closely at your own wrist, or arm, UNLESS YOUR AN OBESE FATASS, you’ll slightly THICK blue stuff like LINES AND SHIT. THOSE ARE VEEEIIINNNSSS. There is a MAJOR ARTERY IN YOUR ARM, TOO> AHAHAHA> DUMBASS> WTFH is WRONG WITH YOU!? That one of the morew common methods of suicide, when you haven’t a gun. DUMBASS.

Now, for my Razors.,

Yeah, i have a razors collection. I’ve got TEN RAZORS. Its actually a sharp object collection, but i only have razors so far. fpoor me. I need a plce to put them. I need.. a BOX. Ill deal with it myself.

Next, my sister. I told her I have a EMO RAZORS, as a part ofmy sharp pointy stuff collection. she then proceeded to fucking BLOCK ME. WHAT THE FUCK GINA. WHAT THE FUCK. I didnn’t SAY I was cutting, I just said I was starting a COLLECTION,m and needed to hide them, becuz my mother would freak out if she saw them, becuz of past experience, and I dont want to hurt her any more than she already is! So what does my wonderful, understanding sister do? well, APPARENTLY, SHE FUCKING BLOCKED ME! WHY THE HELL CANT SHE, OF ALL PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME!? THAT JUST ISN’T FUCKING FAIR! sHE SAYS SHE’S MY SISTER, AND THEN SHE STABS ME IN THE BACK! WHY THE HELL!? WHY THE HELL, GINA!?!? I HAD HOPED YOU WERE A BETTER FRIEND THAN THAT. I GUESS I WAS WRONG, HUH?!

I hope you know that you’ve hurt me really bad. If I never properly interact with you again, you’ll know why. That hurt really bad, knowing that my sister can’t, and won’t understand me, Ever. And that she tells me to try harder, and even thought that I don’t try at all. That’s not fair, and it hurts me really really bad. Why am I even still typing? I doubt anyone’s even going to read this stupid post, because I’m just another raving emo bitch who think that her life sucks more than everything else in the world.

Nobody cares, nobody understands, nobody wants to understand.

Those who say they care don’t, those who think they get it don’t, and those who really want to understand can’t.

Nobody will, Nobody wants to, nobody has, nobody cares enough… to get it.

If I had one wish, it would be understanding. I just want out, I don’t wanna have to deal with all this pain alone.

Akari, Alice, i know you two will say I’m not alone, but your in Michigan and Germany. It’s not like I can just walk around the corner and be there. I wish, need, nd want you two to be here with me so bad… I dont wanna be alone anymore!

My best friend in Sidney thinks that it’s just so easy to fix things, to forget what She did to me… but its not.

My sister just can’t understand. Not with the way she thinks things through. She just can’t hear me out, she won’t listen to what I say. All she wants is for me to do what she says. she seems to think all will be swell if that does happen.

Ricky and David just dont care…

Derek is too busy being wrapped up in his pathetic, emo childhood to care himself.

Mama tries, but she just can’t seem to understand. Sorry mum.

I hate myself. Ihate the way i always make mama cry.

If you aren’t totally lame, then feel free to keep reading. This next part is me bitching through text at mom.

Hey mum. YAH. I love you and all, but sadly, though you THINK YOU KNOW, You DON’T. SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT! Why can’t you just let me hate myself in PEACE!? Why does it have to matter?! I hate myself now, I always will, and forever I will. I cut myself, not because I hate myself, not because I’m depressed, NOT BECAUSE IM ANGRY.,.. BECAUSE I”m A FUCKING MASOCHIST. YES. I GET OFF when I hurt myself! I LOVE IT. It FEELS GREAT. I collect razors. WHY? WHY THE FUCK NOT!? I’m in a stage right now. I may never grow out of it, but i want to be alone. I want to have black walls, I want a black bed set, I want my room ro be ENVELOPED IN DARKNESS> WHY? BECAUSE I LIKE DARKNESS. I CAN RELATE TO DARKNESS. DARKNESS AND I HAVE A REALLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP. Darkness is misunderstood, I’m misunderstood. People think that darkness is the evil, I disagree. That’s like says gays are evil. So its DARKNESS. THAT NOT DEPRESSING TO ME, MOM. I LOVE THE DARKNESS. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THIS!? You keep acting like your AFRAID ILL KEEL OVER TOMORROW. I WONT. WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN PARANOID ABOUT THAT!? I’m not a fucking MORON. I just want to be alone for the rest of my lfe, because then I won’t hurt anybody if I cut, Nobody will even care if I do cut, and those wonderful things. I don’t like hurting you,, so I want to get rid of you before I do hurt you. When I hear you crying, It’s like tearing out my soul and ripping it apart. It hurts me alot. I don’t want you to be close to me, because I’m self injurious, and that pains you to have to watch. My instinct solution to this is, ‘make her stop watching!’ But since it’s not working, and I’m hurting you even more, I’m just hating myself even more. Did you know I’m crying like a fricken’ prissy? I’m so pathetic… I hate myself. I really do. I wish that you could help me, but since you can’t… I’m really sorry that you have to sit there helplessly and watch your precious baby rot into a soulless nothing that breathes. Like a puppet. A puppet filled with hate. I wish I didn’t fail as a daughter so bad. I love you forever. I love you so much, I wish you hated me.

I’m really sorry mama, and daddy. I’m sorry that I’m such a failure, ‘m sorry that I deserve to die, I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry that I hate myself, I’m sorry i want to hate me. I’m sorry that I’m about as warm and caring as a stone in winter, cold and frozen over. I’m sorry that I’ve made you waste half your lives trying to help. You can stop now, because I’m just not worth anymore. I won’t kill myself, but my spirit may die.

I love you two forever. Thank you for trying, caring, loving, and being there for me my whole life. I wish I could’ve made it worthwhile for you. I love you.

I wanna go somewhere far away… somewhere I can be understand, and fixed. Then I can come home, and stop making your lives miserable.

I hate myself.