Innocence with Bloody Hands

Most Girls

August 6, 2007 on 3:44 pm | In Rants of the Devilette, Sisters, Stuff |

I have a relatively strong will. I know this for a fact. I can’t be manipulated into doing things, unless I get something I want out of it. I can be goaded into fighting you, screaming at you, or else throwing things around the room, but I CAN’T be goaded into giving you my things, unless I’m gonna get something out of it. Something I WANT. And I will refuse you several times until I get what I want, or will accept the deal. If I just don’t give in, then you’re screwed. Also, if you want me to give you something in exchange for something else, I’ll have you give me what I want FIRST. I won’t be tricked into giving someone what they want and have them NOT give me what I want. For, if they do, I hurt them, whether mentally or psychically. But usually psychically. Either way, if I don’t like what I’m getting, or whatever, I am a person who can’t be goaded or manipulated into anything except tantrums. But that’s usually because I realize a person is goading or manipulating me, and then I get pissed off.

My little brother, Ricky, is not the same. Not at all. Infact, he has manipulated on several occasions, for serveral different reson. He’s been tricked into going down by the river when he KNOWS he’s not allowed, he’s been fooled into repairing relationships with his so called ‘friends’ whom always get him in trouble, and beat the tar out of him the day before. Yeah, that really happens. Johnathan and Jean, our b*****d neighbors whom i hate above everything else in the world because they WON’T go away, beat the stuffing out of him on the bus or something. Mama specifically told him that his NOT to hang out with them anymore, and that they’re NOT allowed on our property. ANYWHERE. A couple days later, Ricky comes home to inform Mama that the whole ‘beat-him-up’thing was just a joke or something that John and Jean played on him.

Did I mention that he came home CRYING that day?! What the hefk is the MATTER with fricken’ kid!?? Doesn’t hehave ANY kind of JUDGEMENT?! Long ago, when I was in Mrs. Filor’s class(It’s sickening that I can still remember how to spell her name) I decided that if someone breaks my trust, hurts my feeling, or just hurts me altogether twice, then I will never forgive them. I forgave Mrs. Filor several times, and she ALWAYS hurt me in the end. She ended up mentally SCARRING me, and making me believe I was a monster. So, I hate her. Notice the lack of d on the hate part. Yeah, I still hate her. Even though she’s in Florida. The last time I saw, she had had surgery on her nose, cuz her cartilage or something was bent. (Not that is MATTERS. Your fourty, Pam. No one cares how you look.) It looked painful.

I wanted to punch her right in the nose. It was hard not to. If I had been about fifteen, I would’ve.

Anyway, if someone hurts me twice, I will never forgive them, ever. My family is an exception. I have to forgive them. I live with them.  Not Ricky, he’d still be fried with johnathan and Jean if they jumped him on the street and mugged him.

Well, let’s continue. I am not a shy or sensitive person. I am not very good at understanding people. Infact, I’m horrible at it. Also, since I’m shy, If I have crush on someone or whatever, I can talk to them freely. I have no problem. I don’t freak out and hide if I see them. I don’t stutter, or blush, or anything like that. I’ll wave, say hi, chat. Whatever. And I’ll do it EASILY.It’s the same with people I don’t like. I can talk to them easily aswell. Sure, I give them the Evil Glare, or I snap at them, but I do that unconciously. Meaning I don’t realize it. It’s kinda strange. I can’t tell someone I’m angry with them or anything, but I can express very well. Glare, snap, snarl glare, growl, hiss, spit, half-yell. Of course, somehow, no one seems to realize that when I glare and snarl at them, I either don’t like them, or am angry at them. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about sensitivity and shyness.

Now, Gina is both of these things, and they get in the way our relationship. Sadly. I’ll give her advice, and she’ll tell me to “Stop giving me advice, cause getting advice from someone five younger then you makes me feel stupid!” I then ask her, “Why does it make you feel stupid?” And she’ll tell me it’s because I’m five years younger than her. Then I think in my head, ‘Why the heck does my AGE matter? And then I remember that she’s sensitive and insecure. Now, I’m not ranting on her, I’m not throwing a fit, I’m not even cutting her down, but I wonder WHY she’s so insecure and sensitive? I’m NOT sensitive.  You’d think that advice from someone who thinks alot simpler than you would be nice. It’s easier to think positively when you’re insensitive.  Then again, I’m insensitive, so I think much simpler than the average person. I am probably the most abnormal person in this household. Gina thinks she’s abnormal. I tell her she’s not. She doesn’t agree. Last night, she said that I’m probably smarter than her. I disagree. She tells me I am, I respond, “Gina, I am NOT smarter than you.” While thinking ‘what the heck give her THAT idea? I’m failing almost ever class and she says ‘your smart’? What the eff?! I have a HARD time in EVERY class! If I was SMART, I’d ask for help from someone when I needed it, I’d be smart enough to stop, think, and ask myself  ‘Is it REALLY worth it?’ Gina does ALL of these things. She’s very normal. She cares about she looks, her hair is improtant, she’s shy, she’s sensitive, and a bit insecure and pessimistic.She has a REPUTATION to keep up.

I have none of these traits. I’m a complete LOSER. Not her. I call her a loser, an idiot, baka, stupid, sure. But that’s because I’m too much of an idiot to realize that it hurts her alot. I call her those names probably because I get upset with her so easily, which is probably because she’s way better than me. She’s sensitive, so I don’t understand her. I’m a total jerk, and I hate myself. I know tat about myself for a fact. That’s who I am.

Gina, you’re going to graduate, and I know you hate me and all, and I know you’ll probably never want to see me again. I also know you think I think you’re a useless idiot or something. I can tell you for a fact that that’s NOT true. I treat everyone like that. If I hated you, I wouldn’t cry when you said you hated me. And I would probably be more a jerk to you, like I am to Mrs. DeLucia. (:D)  And I know you’re probably NOT going to believe me on this, but I am I going to fricken’ miss you when you leave. I will go insomniac for a week, cry every(or try to at least) night, become depressed, get pessimistic, E-mail you everyday, somehow make sure you check my blog, because I suck at writing letters. And I’m gonna cry some more. And every time you come home, I might jump you. But I’ll try to hold back.

And if you die, I swear I’ll commit suicide. :’(

I’m going off on a tangent here.

Anywho, This is proof that I am not human. Cool, I’m an alien. That’s sooooo cool. Heavy. Do normal humans have so much trouble crying? I cry easier when the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants than I do when something really bad happens. =.=I’MA FREAK!!!

Oh well, that pretty cool. By the way, Akari, are you going to have a car soon? I would love to be taken away by you! Then we could go through the Gate and recruit anime characters! That’d be fun.

“So, are we walking?”

“I brought the car.”

“Good! Can I drive?!”

“No.”