Ex Nihilo

Of Graduation, Depression, Report Cards, and Death

June 22, 2007 on 10:24 pm | In Stuff | Comments Off

Lets start things off with the basics. I’m stressing about the following; 1)Gina, my wonderful, beloved sister, Gina, my precious person, if GRADUATING. I don’t want her to ever leave. I know that’s selfish, and I know that she’s not leaving immediately. But, graduation is like a confirmation. It’s, to me, like someone shouting in my face, “SHE’S LEAVING AND NEVER COMING! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN! BAD THINGS’LL HAPPEN TO HER! YOU’LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!” Yeah, that’s irrational, I know that very muchly well. Automatic Negative Thoughts. ANTs. Like I said, I know it’s irrational, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I’ll never see her again. I keep thinking she’ll be hurt, or killed or something. And then I immediately start wondering about what’ll happen if I die. I wonder how much people would care, I wonder who would come to my funeral… And I wonder were I would go. Earlier today, while I still lolling in bed, I considering finding out what would happen if I DID die. I almost did, too…

But, that doesn’t matter too much! Back to the point. No running off on tangents, Kimmie. ^.^ Anyway, Things depressing me. 2) School = Report Cards = Pass? Fail? Yes, I’ve gotten through the seventh grade school year, but I’m absolutely POSITIVE I failed math. I probably shouldn’t be worrying about it, yeah, but I feel terrible, and I really am sure I’m going to fail. I don’t WANT to fail, but I’m positive that I will! I started taking a new medication, called Zolof, or something like that. It’s supposedly an anti depressant that take for fricken’ EVER to actually start WORKING. It’s supposed to stop constant pessimism and cheer me up a bit or something.
It’s NOT working. In fact, since I started taking it, I’ve been sleeping less, and actually having more, much, much WORSE negative thoughts than I was ORIGINALLY having.

That’s RIDICULOUS.

Anyway, I’ve almost couldn’t get to sleep last night just thinking about my math grade alone. Why the heck am I so FRICKIN’ MENTAL?! JESUS EFF-ING CHRIST!!!!

Heavy sigh. Anyway, Report Cards, Gina’s graduation. Also, the whole death thing is starting to scare ME. Everytime I think ‘What’ll happen when I die?’ , I instantly get scared, and start imagining really scary things that might happen. Then I predict that I’m going to probably end up with some sort of really terrible disease that’s going slowly and painfully kill me. Or that I’ll undergo surgery or something. And I can’t get these thoughts out of my head! They WILL NOT go the fudger AWAY. And I assure you, I DON’T want them there! I don’t like losing sleep, I don’t like worrying about death, or school, or even Gina’s graduation! I wish I was just a NORMAL 12 year old little yaoi fan girl like all the rest of them! It’s NOT fair! I HATE MY LIFE! Why the heck do I have such a fricked up life anyway?!?

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Why is it that there can’t be someone who could just preform a spell or do something like a miracle to please just help me out a bit?

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Just Smile,

Even if your dying,

Even when your crying

Even when you scared

Even when your hurting inside

Even when your filled with so much sorrow and hate.

Just Smile Instead.

Smile…

It hides everything.

~*~*~*~Nyash~

(c) DemonKimmie, formerly known as KimBabe