Innocence with Bloody Hands

Dear Helga…:< omg hamstah!

May 6, 2007 on 11:28 am | In Stuff |

Hello Mistress Helga!

Nice to meet you. I’m DemonKimmie. I just so happen to be General Gina’s little sister (remember General Gina?). She’s seventeen now, Satan, help me. o.O Scary holy cow. Anyway, to the purpose of my writing to you. Yo’, my computer sucks. It hates me, and I hate it back. It’s a terrible peice of junk and crashes a crucial times. I haven’t played Wolfenstein in so long. *hits monitor* Rahr! Stupid thing! I miss the game terribly, and I used to play it sooo much, but unfortunately it decided that it didn’t WANT to be moved into my room and started crashing and restarting when I tried to play the game on mltiplayer. My dad, (ARS Argent. He’s teh bomb) has so far replaced my ram, my power source, and something else that I can’t remember. And It’s still be a loser! I hate this computer! RAGH! Dad’s always spoiling his own computer ROTTEN and it doesn’t even NEED it. His excuse is that ‘he uses this computer to WORK, and therefore NEEDS the extra POWER.’ Aha! SHUT UP DAD! Your computer is fricken’ GOD ITSELF DOWN THERE IN YOUR OFFICE! And meanwhile, up here, in my room, I have the DEVIL’S ADVOCATE, CRASHING AND BEING A PEICE O’ CRAP FOR ME! RAGH! *Beats monitor with a MP40* Stupid peice of junk.

(You are aware that beating the monitor probably ISN’T going to help, right?) SHUT UP CONSCIENCE! (Hey, I’m just saying.) Why in the world is your conscience ALWAYS right? I could be guessing the end of the world and it’d know the answer or something. (Yep, that’ll happen after we’re dead, but before the Big Bang.) Shut it, you.

Ugh, I haven’t killed an Ally in so long…It’s all your fault, computer! Heavy sigh. Well, this is getting a smidgen too long for me to bother with later, so i guess I should send it to you. I hope you have a wonderful day, filled with exploding Allies. Here, have a cookie. *gives you a cookie* NYASH!

~DemonKimmie

Hallo DemonKimmie! So you are ze little sister of General Gina? Ha! Zat ist funny to Helga. Gina never mentioned you. Perhaps you broke too many of her Barbies. Helga had Barbie as child. Barbie vas very bad voman. She did horrible zings in zat pink corvette viff Ken. But back to you und your slightly slutty sister. So Gina ist all of 17 years old now? WOW! Helga has known ze General for many years now, ja? She vas just child vhen she found her vay to Helga to seek guidance in life, love und all zings Wolfenstein.

So your computer ist giving you big trouble und your mean old father ist not helping matters, ja? Perhaps Helga needs to have sexy talk viff him. Err, Helga means, talk, just plain talk. Not sexy talk. Vait, ist he still together viff your mother? Maybe sexy talk afterall! Poppet, obviously ve are on our own here, ja? Afterall, your sister ze General ist probably off at school showing her panties to ze football team, so ist just us here to solve your problem. Here are some zings you can try to convince your father to get you new computer.

1. Tell him zat you need stable computer for school.

2. Bust your CPU. Of course zis could backfire on you if he decides zat he vill not replace your old computer viff new one.

3. Lay on ze floor und throw big temper tantrum.

4. Blackmail him! Helga invites him over to ze Castle Wolfenstein. Helga strips off all of her clothing, jumps on his knee und zen has her manservant take incriminating picture.

5. Tell him zat ze Axis need you, und viffout your help ve vill fall to ze Allies. Of course zis ist not really true since Helga’s army does not fall to anyone, but perhaps he vill be sympathetic to ze cause.

Good luck baby sister of General Gina! Hopefully ve see you rising ze ranks again soon. Tell your father to stop being such a cheap bastard, und give our regards to your sister!